Absolutely Arbit...

2012-a very happy new year

2011-12-31T17:46:00.001+05:30

Hello Girls & Boys... I am Writing Song...
2011 was'sup song... 2012's welcome pop song...

Why this kolaveri song'gu hit'tu dee? (4)

Internet'tu Youtube'u Youth'u...
Youth'u Share'u Tune'u...
Tune'u background lyrics'u music'cu
Music'cu super'ru nice'cu...
That's why this kolaveri song'gu hit'tu dee.... (2)

White'u dress'su anna hazare...
Hazare hear'tu lokpal'lu...
Congress'u Congress'u Meet'tu Meet'tu...
India future'u dark'ku...
That's why this kolaveri song'gu hit'tu dee.... (2)

Mama Raja eduthukko
Apdiye Kaila Kanimozhi eduthuko

Papapa Papapapa Papapa Pa Pa
Kambi Ennu...

Super Mama Ready, 1 2 3 4...

What a Change Over Mama..
Ok Mama... Now Tune Change'u...

Kaila World Cup'pu... Only English'a...

Hand'la World Cup'pu...
Cup'pu la Indian Team'mu...
Eyes'u Full'a Tear'ru..

Empty Life'u, Girl Come'u,
Bhacchan Family Cheer'ru...

Love'vu Love'vu English Love'vu
Royal Wedding (V)Wow'vu...

Kavvu Kavvu, Manna Kavvu...
Gaddafi Osama Bow'u!

God, Steve Jobs Dying Now'vu
You are Happy How'vu?

This'su song'gu for 2012'u....
We do have choice'su...

Happy new year'ru new year'ru now'vu...
Exciting things are always'su in tow'vu...
Let this year bring'gu lots of love'vu...
Happy new year'ru once again'nu now'vu...

Why Ravichandran Ashwin did not take the final run...

2011-11-26T20:56:00.001+05:30

By now, everyone and their grandmother have shouted at our poor Ashwin for not attempting the 2nd run in the final test against the West Indies. Ashwin has been having a hard time defending himself on Twitter (you should never do that since it's filled with morons)

Experts have quickly come to his rescue by analyzing the reasons behind the decision to not go for the 2nd. As a Tam Brahm, these reasons have not come as a surprise to me at all. After all, these are ingrained in every one of us - in our actions and in our value systems...

Very early on, we are taught by our parents to be good to our guests after you have gotten what you want. We should share our chocolate (after your 2-3 chocolates). And never be too greedy for anything (publicly at least). When India had already won the test and he was a sure-shot man of the match (with a 5-wicket haul and a 100 to boot) and man of the series, it was time to share the spoils.
Our granddad and dad swear by Malcolm Marshall, Michael Holding, Vivian Richards and the likes. Given their love for West Indian cricket and the abysmal position it is in today, there is a high chance that he was bombarded by calls from appa, peripa, chitappa, thatha, thatha's brother etc. the previous night to take it easy with them.
In Chennai street cricket, you don't run much. Specially if you are his size. You hit your runs in fours and sixes. In school cricket, more so, since you have to stand in the Madras summer heat for a full day. Hence preserving energy is of utmost importance. Running the 2nd is not a default action that our mind understands. And most importantly, it was the last ball of the over, and we love our 'over-gaji' (though it does not hold good in the last over)
Ashwin has just gotten married. Which means he has found a girl. At the age of 25. That is just plain rare! The probability of him meeting her at a puja at home is close to 95%. Given how difficult it is for us to interact with girls, the probability that he prayed to God during that puja that he will sacrifice something soon in return for her hand is close to 105%. And sacrifice he did, an inconsequential match...
Last but not the least, we are brought up on curd rice - a high quantity of which he would have had during lunch-time given the other dish which was 'Gobi Manchurian' resembled something chicken. And his recent marriage means he has had food at his in-laws place just before the match started. With this kind of a gastronomic background, it is not fair to expect him to run so much. And at such a crucial time.
UPDATE: A bonus one that was earlier missed - the 'poonal' certainly got in the way while running around!

Now that these reasons are well established, experts believe that these nonsense accusations will die down soon and sanity will prevail...

P.S1: the above is just for arbit fun. He deserved his MoM and MoS. All those who are stupidly shouting around can seriously shut up given the match would have been long lost if not for his contributions.

P.S2: Image courtesy - www.sportinglife.com

30 Things you should know about a Tamil Wedding Reception

2011-08-16T19:56:00.003+05:30

One amongst the couple is a foreign-settled expat that has come to India to tie the knot.
The match has been made courtesy bharatmatrimony.com or better still, tamilmatrimony.com. If not, the guy saw the girl at some religious function at home.
The wedding is scheduled a few days before the start of the ‘no-good thing can be done’ Margazhi month.
The gift you should buy is one amongst a million clocks at the nearest gift shop or a coupon from any Lifestyle.
If you are confused between wearing a formal dress and a traditional South Indian one, always choose a kurta-jeans combo! The groom will probably be wearing a glossier version of the same. Or a Raymond's suit.
Don’t drive past the reception hall if you see different names outside. South Indians have more name aliases than the number of fake IDs you had during chat-room and Orkut days.
Chennai autos usually charge triple the regular fare. For reception hall areas, it goes up to multiples of 5. So taking the car is a better option.
The car park will have 1/10^th the size that is actually required to hold the crowd. People who think they are clever by coming in late always end up having to park the car a few streets away.
The invitees typically include family, friends, friends of family, family of friends, random maamas and maamis and so on and so forth.
You should neither land up too early (as you might be asked to do some work) nor too late (it might be too obvious that you have just come for the food)
The bride and groom will always land up 45 minutes after the time that is printed on the invitation. If you want to one-up them, land 1 hour later.
The practice of giving some sugar candy and sprinkling rose water is passé. Don’t be perturbed about abandoned front benches with the designated folks munching some bhelpuri in a corner.
If you have a sweet tooth, it is a good time to stuff it in. Use the sugar at the front-bench to good effect.
You could also steal the rose water sprinkler from the front-bench and provide some laughs to the gang by sprinkling it on unsuspecting maamas and maamis while you are seated.
You will always end up meeting one maama or maami who will question you about things that you don’t want to answer.
You will occasionally meet a childhood friend that you never cared about at school but have to act as if you were only thinking about them all these years.
You will meet a good looking girl that you once had a crush on, but is now wearing a 9-yard saree to cover the triple-layer fat that she has put on after delivering 3 babies.
While waiting to meet the couple, you will be served one of two juices – pineapple or grape. The only binding factor is the throat ache and/or cold that you have afterwards.
The queue to meet the couple is longer than the one at the American consulate in Chennai.
A good way to beat the queue is to know one of the parents well enough; there will be a lot of elders who flout the queue, don’t let your tempers flare!
When you meet the couple, they will have an artificial smile, and always utter the same two phrases – ‘Thanks for coming’, and ‘Please have food and go’.
‘Best of Luck’ is an accepted wish. In addition to wishing someone before their exams and Formula-1 races, it can also be mouthed at couples starting their journey into marital bliss.
Prior to meeting the couple, decide on whether you will pose for the photo camera or the video camera – the two people who handle it will fight to their death over who gets your attention.
The live music concert will have a pair of twins singing. Where cost cutting has been employed, you will listen to pre-recorded ‘heavy’ music. There will always be a few elders who feign Carnatic music knowledge parked in the front seats.
If you want first choice of all the buffet items, go in early for the food. The later you get in, the more the number of missing items from the menu.
The buffet will have a panneer gravy dish, Gobi Manchurian dry, bisibele bath, dosa, bhel-puri and ice-cream (over and above a million other cross-country, multi-colored oily dishes). Don’t waste time on the sambhar, rasam, salads etc. that you can get for less than 20 bucks at the restaurant outside the hall. Whatever you eat, curd rice is a must at the end of it all.
There will be a mom holding out an ice-cream for her son as if his life depended on eating it. The son has gotten his hands so messed up with eating the other buffet items. Requesting for a finger bowl at the end of the buffet is not encouraged!
After food, you feel obligated to stay longer to appease your friend. The bride and groom don’t care less. So you can actually leave anytime you want after the food.
While going out, you will need to compulsorily carry back home the useless bag that has one coconut and some betel leaves; if you don’t, you will offend the elders around.
After coming back home, you are within your rights to think that Tamil receptions are the most boring events ever and curse yourself for missing the IPL match…

Any more must-knows, kindly add them in the comments section...

10 signs that you should run away from a restaurant

2011-03-17T00:26:00.003+05:30

Have you ever entered a new restaurant in two minds? Whether to risk it and have food there. Or run away at the slightest hint... Here are 10 signs that should force you to do the latter -

Valet parking guys are fighting amongst themselves to take your car; for all you know, they might have to wait many days for the next customer
There is a longer queue to the restroom than to the restaurant
The number of waiters is greater than the number of people eating in the restaurant; also - a few of them are having their own joke after seeing you come in while the others are busy fetching parcels from the opposite restaurant
The perfume smell is awesome; however it is not emanating from the non-bathed rich folks but from the room freshener used to remove the food stink
The ambience is confusing and shady - the walls have too many paintings to cover the cracks, or there are too many coochie-cooing couples with hardly any food in their plates, or the customers look like goondas from a Rajini movie
The phone is continuously ringing but the answerer asks for the person to come the next day, to collect his money
Instead of music, you can hear a soft prayer, from those eating the food
You are confused if the bowl that went past was a soup bowl or a finger bowl
The menu serves both Idli and Chinese Noodles
People are congregating in the center of the table, emptying their wallets, watches and chains to pay the bill

Anything more, add in the comments section!

10 things you should stop doing on Facebook

2011-02-11T22:10:00.008+05:30

Now that everyone and their grandfather is on Facebook, you should stop doing the following things on this social network. Only because they have been used, misused and overused to death. Here's the list...

The 'Dfghsjfldjf' status message - For God's sake, lock your phone. Or stop giving it to your kid.
'Go Knicks!' - You American sport aspirational fanatic who needs to desperately shed the 'desi' image, stop bothering the common man cricket fans.
'#fb' at the end of your status - Hello Twitter folks! Lazy bums. Can't you use Twitter and FB for different things please?
'Copy paste this to show your...' - We know beyond that, you never did anything for that cause. (A variation of this is the paranoia message saying Facebook has changed some privacy setting and confusing the heck out of people)
Talking about your FB usage - Do you ever go to office and tell folks around you 'I am not working enough'? Same with FB, you don't have to put a status saying you are not using FB as much as you used to.
Liking your own comment - Losers! An alternate ploy is to pay someone else to do this if no one else genuinely wants to like your comments (Another version of this is plugging in your own blog, which will certainly happen for this one too)
Use that friend finder - Everyone who bothers about you or you bother came into FB donkey's years ago.
Tagging a million arbit ppl in a photo - Just because you want everyone to look at that photo, which has you and your dog probably, don't go on into one tagging spree.
Putting your baby photo as your display pic - That display pic is also for your friends to quickly scan the feed and check updates. We can't differentiate between one baby and another. You have an infinite-capacity photo album waiting to put your baby photos.
Complete albums with no captions - For this one reason, 'Select All' should be banned. You get to see 5 versions of every single photo - each having different exposures of your teeth. And worst of all, absolutely no context to any image.

Any more such trends, please leave it on the comments!

2010 Bye, 2011 Hi...

2010-12-31T18:50:00.002+05:30

A for Ayodhya, verdict pronounced...
B for the BP Oil Spill, company denounced.
C for Chennai Super Kings, all else trounced,
D for Dabangg, Salman and Chulbul bounced...

E for Endhiran, Rajini the super-star,
F for Facebook, age no bar.
G for Grandslam, Nadal the czar...
H for Haiti quake, contributions from far.

i for iPad, a new tech trend,
J for Jyoti Basu, met his end.
K for Katrina, Sheila made you bend...
L for Lalit Modi, Tharoor no more a friend.

M for marriage, Sania Shoaib surprise.
N for Nithyananda, and his vice.
O for the Onion Price Rise.
P for Pacman, decades surpassed thrice!

Q for queues at airports, ash snow got under the skin...
R for the rascals, Raja Kalmadi and their kin...
S for Spain and the world cup win,
T for Tendulkar, a double ton well within!

U for US President, reception like a king...
V for Vuvuzelas and their sting.
WXYZ are too tough to rhyme anything...
Welcome an Xcellent Year 2011 with a Zing!

10 reasons why eating in a buffet is similar to playing cricket

2010-11-30T20:45:00.002+05:30

Yes. A pretty vague comparison. But if you look at it in-depth, you will realize that going for a team buffet is very similar to playing a cricket match. And here’s why…

	In cricket...	In a buffet…
1	The team-split between batsmen, bowlers and all-rounders	The split is between grass-eating veggies and non-veggies who only eat something that walks, crawls, swims or flies on earth. The fence-sitters are the ones who hog on both well enough.
2	The Abdomen Guard	Your guard is a paper towel – used around the same area to ensure that you are not mistaken for having an awry bathroom break
3	Taking stance to observe the field	Doing a quick survey of what food is present in the buffet so you can plan accordingly
4	The cautious opening to not lose your wicket	Ensuring you don’t eat only the starters and fill your stomach
5	Running the quick singles but saving energy with boundaries	Taking quick trips to take any good item twice but stocking up on two big plates so you don’t have to leave your seat often
6	Placing in the gaps for maximum benefit	Ensuring the correct distribution of food in the stomach so it can take in more
7	The bonus free hit	The complimentary mock-tail that is thrown in sometimes
8	The slog overs before the innings-end	The dessert round where you go for the kill because the buffet is going to end
9	The commentators. And the general public	The been-there-done-that folks who have already visited the restaurant passing expert comments on the food! And those ala-carte folks who are sitting around you passing comments on your eating capacity.
10	The umpire who finally gives you out	The waiter who gives you the bad news in the form of the bill

Any more similarities, please ensure you update them in the comments section...

Diwali Wishes...

2010-11-04T23:55:00.000+05:30

Alpha beta gamma,
We might be hosting Obama...

Theta Delta Epsilon,
Rain or shine shall pile on...

Kappa Lambda Mu,
Firecrackers, sweets and dresses new...

Sigma Rho Phi,
Diwali wishes and happiness sky high...

Omega Psi Chi,
Celebrated best at Chennai :)

The 10 types of people attending a lecture

2010-10-21T22:16:00.004+05:30

In any lecture or speech or workshop, you can typically identify 10 types of people who are attending it (other than the speaker himself / herself). Check out which of the following you fall under -

The organizer - He is the one who introduces the speaker. And of course gives the vote of thanks, which however different or humorous he tries to make it, always consists of the same words. All eyes are usually turned on him when he announces where the snacks / lunch would be served.
The sleeper - Afternoons (and many times, mornings) evoke a special kind of reaction from him. One moment, he would have been the most vocal guy. But two minutes later, he would just doze off with an appreciative nod. Advanced sleepers also take a pen and act as if they are writing while busy engaging in playing mind games inside Level 3 of Inception.
The foodie - He comes to these workshops to hog on the nice cookies, the coke (and / or diet coke) cans, the Bisleri water bottles, and the special lunches. The organizer does not have to worry about food being wasted since the foodie usually compensates for up to 3 absentees. Taking more desserts than allocated is his USP!
The silent nodder - The very serious looking guys for whom a smile is worth more than their life... They intersperse their boring existence with appreciative nods towards only the speaker. You could be pardoned in thinking they ignore everyone else.
The class participation (CP) expert - All pent-up words come out of their mouth when they enter the lecture / workshop room. They touch upon history, geography, biology and mathematics before they come to their actual point.
The dumb question irritator - A special version of the CP guy is the one who only asks questions to which everyone including his grandma know the answer to. These questions are deliberately planted so that the speaker reduces his / her charge for the workshop given the company has to make do with such low IQ levels.
The good point accumulator - Another variation of the CP expert is the one who gets silly pleasures in being applauded on another 'good point' by the speaker. They keep count of how many times their points have been validated as 'good' by the speaker and put the number on their resume.
The laptop exhibitor - This guy has a perennial appointment with Microsoft Outlook during the course of the workshop. It is another matter that he is looking at interesting forwards from friends than any office mail.
The phone-call attender - Even if he usually gets only 1 call every week, his phone never stops ringing just during the duration of the speech / workshop. The ring-tones start with a loud one, then change to a Nokia / Blackberry default tune and end on an irritating vibration note. On an average, they do about 10 trips out of the room though hidden cameras point to 6 of them being toilet visits.
The cross-talker - They like laughing, poking, hair-pulling, farting, and general chit chat, specially when the speaker is in the middle of something important. As soon as the primary job of distracting the audience and the speaker is accomplished, they immediately become the most attentive listeners.

Am sure all of us hop into one or more of the above over time :) Any more, kindly add in the comments...

(P.S: For simplicity sake, have used a 'he' in all places, also applies equally well for a 'she')

Then versus Now - The top 10 differences

2010-10-07T23:52:00.004+05:30

Something plugged into your ears indicated you were deaf, not listening to an mp3 player
'Social network' meant something to do with USSR, India's biggest ally
You needed advanced computer skills to transfer a file > 1.44 MB
'Gay' was just a simple synonym of happy
Using the phone would utmost cause blisters, not cancer due to hidden rays
'Channel 2' or 'Second channel' always implied only one thing
Colored-clothing cricket indicated a major world cricket tournament, not Ind vs. SL again
Kissing a girl on the February 14th got the same tight slap
If you had a Maruti car, you were 'different' from those that had Fiat or Ambassador
Work from home meant you were out of a job...

Any other ones, please post them in the comments section...

How Rajinikanth controls the forces of nature

2010-09-28T23:03:00.002+05:30

(Click on the picture to view enlarged image)

An ode to Chennai Super Kings

2010-09-27T00:45:00.003+05:30

Chennai Super Kings...
The whole city sings,
Cause you do great things...
As the yellow midnight rings!

To the year when everyone else we thulp...
In your presence all others gulp...
Cause they know you shall turn them to pulp...
A spectacular year with a double IPL and CL wallop...

The best local team,
The Indian superstars as the beam...
The outsiders on top as cream,
Together ensuring we never run out of steam!

Raina can swat but Vijay for the golden bat...
In the middle they chat, bowlers run off like a rat.
Murali just behind, Ashwin for the golden wicket..
To batsmen, they give you your pavilion ticket.

When Dougie hits the stump, the sweet sound,
Badri and Hussey the dependable, Albie all round!
Jakati Balaji Anirudh, confidence new-found...
Kemp and Hayden can pound anything out of the ground.

Dhoni you are always chill...
Forever your support we will.
To sign off we shall put the whistle...
Ending a night for world-over Tamilian thrill!!!

When internet searching becomes faster...

2010-09-08T21:44:00.003+05:30

Google (or Bing or Yahoo!) probably add a few more servers now and then to make internet searching much faster (read today's announcement by Google here)

This is the mental model that I get whenever this happens :)

Why companies want employees driving through traffic...

2010-09-02T21:10:00.002+05:30

Click on the picture to zoom in and see why...

10 types of lunch-eaters at your office canteen

2010-08-30T19:50:00.006+05:30

Whenever you walk into your office canteen, you are faced with hundreds of people eating away to glory. If you notice carefully, these people usually fall into 10 different buckets that are described as follows -

The solitary man: He has a very serious expression on his face. Or is mostly expression-less. The food is either very little - so he can finish fast and get the hell out of the lonely place. Or is a lot, and that is precisely the reason why he is sitting alone, so others don't make fun of him.
The 'different' folks: They are the ones who do two or three rounds of the regular canteen. And then go order a sandwich in the side shop since they don't seem to like any food. It is usually the necessity to be high on the 'being different' coefficient that makes them pay half their salary on outside-canteen food.
The giggly girls: You feel that this gang is laughing about anyone and everyone that goes past them. In reality, they just have a disease. To keep giggling at everything. And make loud noises to announce their presence to the entire canteen.
The bosses: Bosses are of two types, ones that sit far away from anyone except their peers and discuss global company strategy or the state of the Indian economy. The other type is of course the ones who utilize lunch as an opportunity to socialize with their next rung, only the next rung utilize it as a chance to put in class-participation and pain the hell out of everyone else in the table.
The dabba-walas: These are the home-food specialists for whom canteen food spells doom, or they have a spouse who forces them to take the home food. The dabba-wala folks follow a pre-defined process which consists of 4 steps -(i) Heat up the food in the micro-wave (ii) Utilize the plate from the office canteen (iii) Pick out the choice delicacies from the canteen food to go with their own house food (iv) Sit down like true kings who have the best of both worlds and hog away.
The dieters: These are the people where the empty area on the plate shines from afar. The quantity of food taken puts baby food to shame. Reasons include hidden lumps of junk food in their cupboards, failure to understand a concept called 'exercise' or the long length of the weight-reduction prescriptions prescribed by the doctor.
The treat-givers: This is the noisy gang that has ordered pizzas from Dominos as a treat for someone leaving the company! (enjoyment for the person surely) The ratio of veg to non-veg is always a point debated for close to an hour. Finally when the pizza lands, everyone wants to dig their hands into as many different boxes as possible. They never realize that the pizza folks have fooled them into believing they are different pizzas by altering the amount of the same toppings.
The silent couple: This can be a newly formed romantic pair or a husband-wife combo that has been working in the company for dogs' years. 'Silence is golden' is a rule that is tried and tested. Since they have too much to talk back home or over the phone, they hardly make anything other than gestures during lunch time.
The intellectual marathon: Heated conversations happen in a few tables. This heated conversation can be about a game of sport or about who will be the new boss. Opinions and counter-opinions are exchanged in the middle of gulping down parathas or curd rice. The ones that are most vocal are usually the least knowledgeable (applies in generic circumstances too)
The big gang: This gang roams around the entire office, always sticking it up for one another. The 'gang' laughs together, cries together, takes food together, washes together (their hands) and makes a hell lot of noise together. The gang usually has more girls than guys. The gang's loud-mouths sit at the extremes of the table so that everyone else can hear them talk. The gang is usually made up of a mix of all of the above types of people...

Any other types you have encountered, please add them to the comments section...

5 much-needed technology innovations

2010-08-26T20:15:00.003+05:30

This was a post that was hidden somewhere for better expansion and putting up on the blog. But laziness ensured I never got around to it. This contest on Indiblogger - the HP My Demand contest - ensured I dig it out from the 'In Process' folder and put it up here. In a shoddy state, but I guess the laziness cure by technology would be a welcome addition to the list...

Why can't technology be used to create these machines or innovations across countries -

Transferring weight from one to the other - It is supremely painful for someone who does not want to go on a diet or go near a gym to lose that 1 kg, leave alone the targeted 10! It would be just fantastic as well for all those lean mean machines who actually pain the hell out of others saying they are going to the gym to 'put on weight'... This machine can just transfer weight from the fat to the ones who are not!
Observe the sights and sounds of another country - This would be the poor man's tourism dream. Mimic the sights, sounds and probably even the cleanliness and the weather (and the food and the people and the dressing etc.) of another country inside an enclosed space - with an artificial roof - huge investment but possible with the help of technology and the running costs would be more than recouped by opening it up to the millions who can spend but not that much on an air ticket.
One universal voltage and socket everywhere - Is it that electrical engineers in these countries were also fanciful about their own designs of voltage systems and sockets? Why on earth do different countries have different systems otherwise? Leave alone the socket, even the voltage. I know of fat converters that exist right now but we need a mechanism where the same socket in every device is ready for it instead of fixing a fat converter...
A noise canceling chip inside your ears - Why should it only be in the very high end ear-phones from the Bose and the Sony of the world. Why can't we have a noise canceling chip inside our ears - switching it on may just involve a short pinch of the ear and you are taken into the world of peace and solitude away from the honks of the Bangalore traffic.
A machine to do all your chores for you - Early morning is the worst time - you are just cranky after you wake up. Won't it be just wonderful to quickly get a machine to do all your brushing, bathing and ablutions without having to move a muscle. Then morning is more a massage in sleep than a painful chore.

I am sure more ideas will emerge - if so please put them on the comments. Or write them on your own blogs to win a printer :)

A typical shopping experience with the lady

2010-07-02T10:58:00.003+05:30

One of the most endearing experiences in a man’s life is the weekend shopping adventure with the lady for her apparel. The experience is akin to a board examination in - patience. A lot of pre-planning, clever tactics and deft touches go into passing this examination with flying colors! Injuries are common but would not deter the brave man from taking a shot at the trial by fire!

The afternoon starts off when you enter the perfume-filled women’s section of any big store such as a Lifestyle or a Shoppers’ Stop. The initial part of the drama always has the guy actively looking out for clothes along with the lady. Early signs of boredom will be met with a strong look of disdain and constant egging on to enthusiastically participate in the cloth-buying process. After a few minutes of looking around, you are armed with five dresses that you believe will positively charm the lady. However, one look of hers’ at the ‘gorgeous’ dresses you have brought gives you an indication that your choices would have suited Lady Gaga better than a sane girl.

Having been reduced to a ‘man of questionable tastes in dresses’, you start the hunt for a good seat to plant your rear in. Apparel shops are very stingy in their seating space. One would assume that big retail chains ought to keep the accompanying males in mind and have separate rooms or areas stocked up with comfortable sofas. Instead, you are greeted with exactly one and half two-seater pieces of wood that are occupied by grandmas, dogs and fat aunties (in that order). Though you spare a moment in wondering what on earth grandmas and dogs might get in this shop, you are quickly alerted to a few potential hours of standing.

The mobile phone is the man’s best companion on these occasions. Anything from the dumb ‘Snakes’ game to a boring song on FM can act as life-savers. Loading up the phone with mp3s prior to the shopping trip also helps. GPRS is a boon. You stand tinkering around with your phone, longingly looking at one of those sofas hoping that someone would get up or be called upon to check a dress. If and when that happens, your only job is to employ a maneuver combining a fly, a dive and a jump to ensure that the seat is not taken by one of the many other prowling husbands.

After what looks like an eternity, you get a call on your mobile. You wonder if the whole process has finished in less than an hour. However, the call is to take the lady’s handbag so that shopping can resume with renewed vigor and a higher capacity for carrying clothes. You oblige and take the handbag to complete the frightening picture of a hopeless man standing with a woman’s handbag desperately eyeing fat aunties.

After many a failed attempt, you finally grab a seat and settle down. As one radio RJ after another disappears into the evening, you also lose count of the number of dogs that have managed to give you company. A call awakens you from the self-enforced slumber and you are summoned to the trial room to check out the selected dresses. You rejoice at being able to finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Giving up your throne needs to be well thought out. If there is a chance that there are more dresses that need to be picked up, you would rather advise the lady to continue for some more time. If not, then you give up the place that has served you well for the last many hours.

As you start walking towards the trial rooms, you cross millions of ladies who are standing in a serpentine queue with anywhere up to fifty dresses in their hands. You wonder whether some of them are actually going in to check their make-up and appearance. A thought also occurs on whether a few women are checking out the dresses that the others have stocked up in their hands. Research has indicated that over half the dresses in a shop at any time are probably inside the trial room or in the hands of the dames in the queue.

You also cross many guys holding kids and yearningly looking towards the dressing room for their spouses. These were the unlucky ones that could not get a seat and had to stand around. You make a nodding eye contact with these poor souls indicating that you do understand their plight. The nod acts as a telepathic motivation to ward off the constipated look of despair in their eyes. You do have a mean laugh to yourself feeling you just crossed that hurdle and wish them the best of luck.

The positioning of the ladies trial rooms is one of the most puzzling things ever. You always need to cross the lingerie section to get into the same. The lingerie section of course has a lot of mannequins showing off various (cloth) pieces. You become suddenly aware that you are standing in the middle of half-naked models (of the wooden kind). You just can’t lift your head and look up in the lingerie section knowing what is going to stare at you. Your mere presence around this section makes the ladies behind the counter give you demeaning looks and questioning your existence in the shop. You quickly wade through the barrage of discerning sights and reach the trial room where the lady is waiting to show her final picks.

The final cloth choice is one of the well dress-rehearsed activities (pun intended) Two items are shown to you. This is where the examination comes to the rapid-fire round. Most often than not, only one of them is the right choice. Sometimes, both the items are desired and the objective is to confuse you enough to get both. You have to realize that the choice has already been made. Your job is to judge which one that is, and correctly guess! The trick here is to study the facial reactions by throwing back the question and then make an ‘informed’ decision depending on the level of the smile / happiness in the lady's face. This process is repeated for many sets of cloth pieces.

As you finish the approval process and walk towards the billing counter, one last-minute round of cloth retrieval, trial and triumph starts paining you no end. This is a rare occasion when you can actually throw the tantrum. An electronic gadget that you wished for or a big sumptuous dinner breaking the diet is never far off on these occasions. All it takes is a whiff of disapproval at the lovely afternoon (and evening, and night) being spent inside a cloth shop and the lady obliges with the compromise gift. After many rounds of the whole process illustrated earlier, you are armed with the final shortlist of apparel that shall head out of the gates.

At the end of finding your way through a billing-counter queue that would put the American visa counters to shame, one or more of the following things always happens just about the time you are ready to finish your adventure -
(a) A cloth item had the tag missed; so a messenger is sent to retrieve the tag from the Pacific Ocean, that is the ladies section
(b) The machine crashed and it would take 13 people around 37 minutes to repair the same (which is still faster than the neighboring counter which is being hogged by that same fat aunty who has bought a zillion items for entire extended self and family)
(c) A sudden realization on the lady that Item X that has been taken is not as good as Item Y that was rejected around half-hour back; hence Item Y needs to be retrieved

After what looks like another hour or so, the payment done and the mission accomplished, you walk out of the shop. You would not be at fault to think that the security guys were having their own private joke going on about when you would leave the shop. You stock up the various items on the back-seat of the car (which suddenly feels very small) and drive back home through the traffic comprising of others who have also just about managed to finish shopping.

After coming back home, the new dresses need to be re-checked for size and fit. One of the dresses ends up having a big blot under the arm (this missed detection during the pre-buying process). A sudden thought that the said dress was probably anyway not a great one (you see, this one had created the maximum doubt in the lady’s mind at the shop itself but was bought because it was cheaper by around Rs. 27) also accompanies this finding. After concurring that Indian shops would typically not be open at 11:30 pm, sleep beckons with the thought of having to go back the following weekend to return the dress and find a replacement all over again…

(Disclaimer: A lot of exaggeration has gone into making the post the way it is. And obviously this is a general observation on all males accompanying all the ladies for their shopping! So don't make any smart ass comments now :)

The typical Facebook news feed

2010-05-11T09:44:00.004+05:30

A few months back, I had done a post on the 'typical day in the life of a Twitter follower'. Here's the Facebook version of a typical newsfeed.

Top 10 Hollywood Plot Generators

2010-04-29T00:31:00.013+05:30

If you thought that Bollywood movies have become formula-based, re-think! Every Hollywood action / disaster movie has become completely predictable as well. If you take the 2009 hit movie ‘2012’ or ‘Avatar’ (the 2D Version), there is not much that has changed with respect to the likes of ‘Independence Day’ that came out in 1996.

The idea is to put in a mix of standard plot items and make a movie and earn billions out of it… In the end the viewer has a satisfied look of watching yet-another ‘greatest’ action movie of all time. Here is a list of the top 10 plot items that are typically used…

1. The bomb that looks like a lego toy: The villains will make a bomb, typically nuclear, sometimes chemical or biological or maybe in the future, social! The bomb always looks like a mechanical engineering college project gone wrong. One such device used in New York or San Francisco, could blow up the whole world, such is the power of the device. A sample bomb usually goes off in a smaller city (where the building blowing to smithereens effect will be copy-pasted for the millionth time) so that the users get an idea of what might happen to a big city. There is usually a time period of 24 hours up to a week before which the device has to be de-activated else the world will end, and you probably would not have been able to catch this movie!

2. The over-powering rude boss: The good guys will always have an overpowering boss who takes his own stand at all times and pains the hell out of the hero and his team that is trying to save the world. There will be at least 2 – 3 examples shown of how the overpowering boss is mean to the team, so you are left with no sympathy when he is finally either killed or shown as a complete moron.

3. The magic screen: A huge screen with numbers and letters and complex symbols floating around is used to show not just where the hero and the villain are, but probably assemble the entire Wikipedia! What it probably actually displays is the dialogue that needs to be said during the scene, but the special-FX folks super-impose so many graphical images that it all looks very sophisticated to the viewer. Sometime during the movie, the screen goes blank since a bomb exploded and they are all left wondering what happened to the hero. This continues until the final scene when the radar is able to again pick up the signal to tell everyone that all is well.

4. The apprentice: One fresher has to be the guy with the remarkable suggestions and always interject the experienced 60-something men in uniform or have an outstanding idea that needs to be tried out. This apprentice will have a youthful face, and try to act very apologetic for whatever he says, at the same time telling everyone that if they didn't follow his advice, the world will explode. The hero knows that listening to him will make a lot of sense, because the apprentice either knows the plot first-hand or is the director’s son, destined to be a hero in the next movie. Of late, this apprentice is being replaced by an Indian-origin scientist.

5. The CIA or FBI bad guys (or jokers): Mid-way, the CII or the FBI will come and try to takeover the case. One black and one white guy always form the crack-team that has been advised to look into the matter since whatever the hero is doing is apparently not working. They pain the hero to no end and act very demanding and interject anything and everything that the hero does. Finally they make a complete fool of themselves by getting mercilessly killed.

6. The random motion of helicopters and cars: Helicopters just cannot fly straight or normal. Cars need to show off their flying skills and their ability to drive in water, air and fire. The cameras provide a card-swiping effect on how the helicopters fly or the cars zoom past. This peculiar motion was accidentally first captured when the car or the helicopter was going kaput or the driver was drunk, but since the viewer enjoyed it, the directors have chosen to continue with it.

7. The over-acting coordinator: One over-acting coordinator does the fast talking to the people in the control room. He needs to move his body parts at rocket-speed and talk as if there was a gun to his head. Complete over-acting usually ends with a strong and involved dialogue saying ‘Yes, we did it’ with a totally surprised look at the end of the movie. The others in the control room can heave a sigh of relief when this happens, more at having to no longer take his overacting, than anything else.

8. The double-crosser: A mole always does a double-cross or a triple-cross at the time when the director thinks you are least expecting, but usually when the intelligent user can predict the easiest. This turning point is put in to show extra value to the ticket money that you have paid, and to add a few extra chase sequences.

9. The animal that gets saved in the nick of time: A dog or a cat (or sometimes a child as has been seen recently) is always saved in the nick of time. The said being brilliantly jumps just when the fire or the lava or the water is about to engulf the remaining part of the terrain. This save sometimes happens at the expense of some 100k humans or an entire city.

10. The almost-sex scene with the side-kick heroine: Mid-way in the movie, the hero and the heroine are close to showering their feelings on each other so as to introduce some passion to keep the viewer interested, but they decide that it would look lame and stupid to indulge in an act of pleasure in the middle of the world coming to an end. You might however think that this gives all the more reason to indulge in the act in case they don’t survive! The scene unfortunately never happens and culminates in a simple kiss when the movie ends happily for everyone.

Any plot generator items that you think, please add to the comments section…Whatever said and done, we love watching these movies. We shall certainly go to the next one as well…

(P.S: Images all got using web search, thanks to the original sources. Since I am using only the thumbnail to indicate what movie it is from, I have not put effort linking out to the original ones. You should know which movie each item stands for by now!)

Daily visit to the toilet versus a trip on a bus

2010-04-26T20:14:00.005+05:30

It is remarkable to realize how many similarities our daily visit to the toilet has w.r.t. a trip in a public bus. Having said that, there are also a few things that you need to watch out for to ensure you don’t end up in a soup…

5 things that are SIMILAR

You certainly prefer a vacant seat in both - in fact, you compulsorily need a vacant one in a loo!
You are elated if the same one that you use always is vacant – after all, ‘familiarity breeds comfort’.
A corner spot is the most preferred, you don’t want to feel squeezed between two other folks!
You have good use of the paper in both cases – albeit newspaper in one, and tissue paper in the other.
You almost certainly have something funny to read, including instructions such as ‘Do Not wet Tissue Paper’ or ‘Julie loves Peter and f%#@% someone else’ etc.

5 things that are DIFFERENT

You would want to stay away from the bus if you have ‘motion’ sickness, while you cannot afford to stay away from a toilet then.
You do not want a loo seat with a window view, at least others prefer not to see you!
It is OK if you use a lady’s seat in a bus that is empty, a similar case in a toilet might lead to permanent mental and physical scarring.
You don’t want to be woken up by the cleaners, saying you missed your stop and it is time for them to do their work.
The conductor can afford to kick you out in the middle if you didn’t pay, but no-one wants to have that choice in a toilet.

Any more such in(s)ane observations about this clash of public versus pubic, please mark them out in the comments section!

10 modern day health concerns due to technology overuse

2010-04-16T20:29:00.001+05:30

The BCG Matrix equivalent for Twitter users

2010-04-11T16:54:00.002+05:30

The 3 Ladies of my life

2010-03-08T21:59:00.004+05:30

(Disclaimer / Warning: Sentiment Attack in the offing!)

On the occasion of International Women’s day, I want to pay my tributes to the 3 women who have so painstakingly and meticulously made me what I am today - in an ungrudging manner. At times, it gets so ridiculous that I ask myself, ‘What did I ever do in my previous birth that I deserve this magical treatment from these 3 souls?’… I guess I am not the only one having this particular string of thoughts. Probably, a good part of ‘man’kind has similar thoughts too. And not for no reason…

God has created this remarkable woman race that way - to bring in patience, compassion and selfless love into this otherwise crude and aggressive world of men. Those grandmothers who pray and toil for the education of their grand kids… Those moms who multi-task more than the brightest of CEOs to take care of husband, kids and in-laws… Those wives who continue the tradition of the moms and grand-moms and compromise and sacrifice their career dreams, and put your baby to sleep so that you can continue your rise up the corporate ladder…

And these are the 3 great ladies in my life too…

Let us start off with the oldest of the lot, my paternal grandmom. ‘Keetha’ is what I named her when I was aged 3. Her actual name was Seetha and my not-so-legible diction created the name that I called her as! She was a renowned radio singer and had retired from active singing around the time I was born. I was the eldest grandson and the darling of the entire household. And more so for Keetha paati... She would always hold me and be around wherever I went. Keetha paati had a super stress on education given that was our only way to success in life as a poor family, and that sort of set the trend for my entire student life. Though she had probably never gone beyond her 10th Std. in school, she was my tutor for all subjects. If I had to be woken up at 4 am to do some last minute studying, she would ensure that I wake up with a cup of coffee to start the day with. She had the pride in her eyes when I got first in class even in a small assignment.

She had to take care of the entire household – from cooking, to managing the accounts, to running the household activities. Despite all the pressures and day-to-day difficulties that a typical lower middle class family had to endure, she always had a smile to cheer everyone up. The only time I saw her cry was when I stood first in school in my 10th Std. When I came running in to see her reaction, she was inside the puja room. I could see her sobbing softly in front of the deity. Those cries were of happiness, of an achievement that she felt was more than any of her own. I did reciprocate the tears many years later when she passed away after a prolonged fight against Parkinsons. It had pained me no end to see the hyper-active lady lying on the bed without being able to do much activity for many of her final years. When God took her away, I felt that he probably needed her compassion and energy to help the deprived people up there…

The same compassion and energy is visible in my mom too. She has to be the craziest person inhabiting this earth. She has this undying faith and love for her kids. Managing the triple role of daughter in law, wife and mom, she feels that her life revolves around making the people around her happy. Managing my 90 year-old granddad in a way only she understands... Managing the household tasks through the entire day, 365 days in a year, with a not so cooperative maid servant... Managing my over-worked dad's spiritual trips... All, while being away from her sons for the most part of the year is a tremendous achievement.

For her, the whole world comes to a standstill when her sons are around. Her ears become deaf to any request from us to stop doing anything for us. Suddenly from nowhere, food items will land around us. The AC would be on automatically when we come anywhere near the house. Her chronic back pain suddenly vanishes and she is able to effortlessly accomplish a million tasks at one go. To see such a lady smile for two days in a month is the least that the career focused guys of this generation can do. Whenever we get a chance, my brother and myself go to Chennai to just see the happiness in her face. The happiness that would not arise if you gave her a crore rupees, or make her live like a queen in Chennai, away from her sons. The mom she is, she understands the career aspirations of the so-called 'educated' class of this generation and keeps her feelings to herself... Luckily, she does have two very good daughters-in-law whom she can share her feelings with...

A lady with a fantastic mix of the traditional and the modern - my wife is the most beautiful lady on this earth. She is a lot more educated than women of the previous generation, so her career is certainly important to her. But it is certainly not as important as seeing me happy. Sometimes it pains me that she cannot pursue her banking interests sitting in Bangalore. She has accompanied me wherever my job has taken me to, so Bangalore it is, currently. She has adjusted her work interests to ensure we stay in the same city. For her, this world is me. And I know that she loves me a lot. And I love her a lot too...

As a modern woman, she has a mature mind for her age. She likes planning for the future. For a good life ahead. And has inculcated the Finance 101 lessons in a carefree person like me to help us save up for a bright time to look forward to. At the same time, there is still a small child inside her. I know that when we are ready to start a family, she has to bear and take care of one herself. And that is probably going to drain her energy even more than taking care of the household with me around (I am assuming our kid will certainly have some of my lazy qualities!). Whatever support I give her, which I will, she is going to physically and mentally be the center of the child’s ecosystem. And to continue running the household and taking care of the kid while having a successful corporate career - she needs to have abundant energy and will power to win... She certainly is the modern day embodiment of what my grand-mom and my mom were...

Three ladies… Many generations… Tons of compassion and will power... Mentally and emotionally the center of our lives…

I am sure that you all will be able to relate to some, if not all of the above characters in your lives too. If you have also been lucky enough, then take a moment off to thank them for that. If you have not, it is high time that you go out into the real world and find your true love at least…

(P.S: It feels good to have written this article finally. To single out one day in a year for celebrating the greatness of women is not fair to the impact they have on our lives. However, it does help in poking the lazy bums like me to at least write something on that one day. And probably poke some other lazy bums in passing a long pending bill in the Parliament…)

(P.S 2: There are a lot more ladies that have had a great impact on my life and I am thankful to every one of them. My grandma from my mom side, my aunts from both dad and mom side, my cousin sisters and bro's wife, my wife's mom and sis, tons of my friends and friends' spouses, colleagues, blog followers etc. The 3 that I have called out in this article are the ones that I have had the longest association with...)

Arbit Thoughts - Why would you ever change caterers...

2010-02-22T19:26:00.002+05:30

Today, we had the umpteenth change in our caterer for breakfast. I am sure this happens in almost all companies regularly. There are several conditions under which this usually happens, some of which include - (a)The Facilities Dept. decides to do some extra work (b) Jobless employees crib to death on your bulletin board (mind you, they always crib about all food, or rather, about everything under the sun) (c) >5 cockroaches were found on the same day in the food. Almost always, it takes off from points (a) or (b).

Just as Rachel responds to Ross in F.R.I.E.N.D.S, "No uterus, No opinion", people should probably be told, "No cook, No talk". After all, mediocrity in catering is the established norm. From the caterer's side, you can well imagine their predicament. If they increase the quality of their food, that puts them in direct fight with their industry counterparts who will boycott them. They would also be made fun of, that they’d rather be in the restaurant business, not in the catering business, if they want to do cook really food. If they reduce the quality of the food to abysmal levels, cribs reach all time highs. So they have to maintain a standard in mediocrity perennially.

If the people in your org crib about an existing caterer the next time, the best strategy to follow is to implement the revolving caterer policy. This is how it works – you have one test caterer every week for a period of 4 – 5 weeks, after which the employees can themselves choose the best one. The first day always starts off with cribs about the speed of service. The second day is about the lack of variety in items. The third day is about the general quality of food. The 4th day - a cockroach would have been found in the sambhar. And the 5th day of the week, well no one actually cares as they eat out! So by the time the caterer’s test period is over, he is more or less out of there. After 4 – 5 weeks of painful tries, people would just want to go back to the original caterer since he is a known devil. For once, too many cooks, do not spoil the broth!

Arbit Thoughts - Why are the S sized fellas subsidizing XXL ones?

2010-02-21T00:04:00.005+05:30

Why is it that the cost is the same, whether you buy an S size or an XXL size apparel? Isn't it painful for those who are slightly built that they end up subsidizing the cost of the XXL guy's cloth for a lifetime? They eat lesser food all their life. Or spend the extra energy forever to be slim and thin. And finally end up paying for the big ones to get their clothes at the same rate. A lifetime of spending extra for a XXL cloth might just make one think of reducing a few kgs!

The only ones who should not have this grudge are those that genetically cannot put on weight even if they eat and drink mountain-loads. Those are the lucky buggers for whom the thought of having pizza every once in a while does not bring guilt pangs. Those lucky buggers...

The one place where this grudge turns into admiration is for men's underwear. You might actually feel "Oh yeah, that guy I am actually subsidizing is awesome. He is my God. Maybe every rupee I spend, is actually going for pubic welfare"...

Valentine's Day - The lover vs. The loner

2010-02-14T19:51:00.001+05:30

Top 10 unwanted exercises when having food

2010-01-21T22:45:00.006+05:30

Eating food is part of our daily life. However, there are various interruptions and physical activities that annoy us at different points in time while performing this important activity. The following list contains the top 10 pain points* in my list, and proposed mitigation strategies to overcome them...

When: During any buffet
What: Standing in a line for food + Walking and eating + Sheepish grin to the server for second helping
Mitigation: Wear a shirt with enough pockets for storage, so you can go hide the food and go home and conveniently have it in your plate
When: Washing your hands using a finger bowl
What: Water is just not enough and you can't use it after 2 seconds once dirt mixes with it
Mitigation: When no one is watching, pour drinking water on your hand into the finger bowl; In case of a Chinese restaurant, you can utilize warm Chinese tea as an alternate to ice cold water
When: Badly made 'bakshanam' (thats Tamil for oily snacks / sweets!)
What: Chance of losing a few of your remaining teeth
Mitigation: Utilize a road roller** that might be near your house / grinder inside house to have a liquefied / powdered snack
When: Eating curd / rasam rice from a banana leaf (in South Indian marriages)
What: The buttermilk / rasam generally has a liking for flowing out of the leaf on to your lap
Mitigation: Befriend the cook and get a small plate to have 'liquidy' items (also utilized by Maamis for stealing the extra payasam or sweet for their beloved sons)
When: When you are stuffed to the brim by your in-laws
What: Showing you have not wasted too much food
Mitigation: Disperse the wasted food across the entire plate / neighbour's plate (obviously, when they are not looking at it)
When: Separate coffee, milk and sugar, served in aircrafts and five star hotels
What: Any mix of the above always ends in a crappy product to drink
Mitigation: Have tea or better, alcohol!
When: Chapathi / Roti
What: Tearing out a small piece, one after the other
Mitigation: Tell spouse that it is very romantic if he / she does the tearing and feeds you (in Tamil, called 'ooti-vittifying')
When: Food is too hot
What: The 'oof - oof' blowing to remove the vapors and the endless wait thereafter
Mitigation: 1 minute in the freezer
When: Pizza with fork and knife
What: That feeling of a wood-cutter working hard, with sweat all over.
Mitigation: The hand of God!, rather use your own hands
When: Spreading hard jam or butter on bread
What: You end up cutting the bread or breaking it rather than spreading the jam or butter
Mitigation: Adopt the idli - chutney mode of taking a piece of idly and mixing it with chutney / sambhar and having, where bread = idly and jam / butter = chutney (fall back option for #7 above in case you are pained with that as well)

Any more, please add them in the comments section along with the mitigation strategy...

* All in jest, so don't take any comment personally against your region's food
** Adopted from Koundamani suggestion in the movie Yejaman (Tamil)

Story Time - The mystery of the dead...

2010-01-08T13:45:00.005+05:30

Given that Sherlock Holmes released last evening in India, I decided to unravel an old mystery story that I wrote in 2001. My English then was certainly worse than it is now (not that it is any great currently), so pardon for any errors. And please do not hit me after reading the story... BTW, the Sherlock Holmes movie was a pretty good and worthwhile watch...

Enough said - Read on for 'The Mystery of the Dead...' (Long Post Alert)

********************************************************************************

It was a bright Sunday evening. The mood was joyous. There were around twenty to thirty people who had come for the supposedly grand occasion in this far-off village. The weather was just a classic English setting. Slight drizzle, but sunlight still bright enough, even at well past six in the evening. The air had just the right fervor for a celebration.

And wasn't the occasion big?!...Their village boy had come first in the inter-district music competition. Mark had always been a great Casio player and everyone in the village had great respect for his talent. But winning a big competition was something never done before. Something unheard of in this village, far away from the walls of the bustling cities… And so the village elders had decided to felicitate the boy. He would play the song he got the prize for. They were all eagerly awaiting the moment. And they would present him with a cash award.

The village called Austra, after a British colony of the same name, had been famous in the district for its disciplined law and order that there was not even a police station. The people were so confident of their village-folk that they used to leave their doors and windows open even in the night time. Theft or murder was unheard of in the village. There were very few people in the village. And the houses were fewer and far spread out from each other. Some houses were spread out as much as a mile from others. And Mark's was one such house. People in the village did not have cars or bikes. They had to walk miles to reach Mark's house but still, there was a considerable crowd to grace the occasion.

It was nearing seven and the party was about to start. Almost all the important people had already come. And of course there was Mark's own family as well. His father, Waugh, a proud dad, with his big curved moustache, was taking care of the arrangements. There was Mark's mother Linda who was taking care of the dinner. She went about her tasks in her silent but effective mild-mannered way. She was a seasoned home-maker. There was Steven, Mark's younger brother who was crying as usual. But he was crying more than normal today. It surprised his family but they felt it could be because of the crowd that was so unusual to this calm place. Little did they realise what it was about.

There was Mark's old but energetic grandpa. Sitting as usual in his easy-chair and tapping the floor with his age-old walking stick. He was thought to be eccentric for his uncanny behavior at times. But he usually had a pleasant smile to everyone whenever he went out for a walk. Today, he had to smile at so many people coming in and going out, it almost looked too artificial.

There was Glenn, the house servant. Glenn was new to the house; he had just joined the household a week back. Not much was known about him, but Waugh had appointed him at the request of his close friend. He was thought to be a dumbo who would just do his work. Nothing more, nothing less. There was absolutely no life in his movements or thoughts. Nothing exciting about him. But he had not been much of a problem to anyone, Waugh thought. He was efficient. He was punctual for work. But today was like a test for him. So many things to do… So many things to arrange… And so many guests to serve... The real test! He had looked out of sorts in his evening work today. Waugh had himself shouted twice at him for having dropped things. He thought that the situation was getting to Glenn. He had had a terrified look since evening. And Waugh felt that the poor chap could not handle the pressure of the work.

And then there was Mark's little dog, Shane. He had been excitedly running around since afternoon. But the elders had had so much work to do that they hadn't bothered about the dog. Even Mark hadn't seen his dog for sometime that day. He had just landed from his city expedition for the competition. He had been tired but this was a grand occasion. He would not let down his parents by complaining about the function being the next day itself. His body was aching all over after the long travel, but he was just thinking about the prize he had won the previous day, and the function that was fast approaching. He had come back and slept, and had had time just to have a quick wash and dress up for the occasion.

They were all there too. Mark's school friends, his teachers and the school headmaster… Even the ever-frowning aunt and uncle and their quarrelsome son were there. Mark had a great dislike for Adam, who always used to make fun of Mark in school. But now the time had come to pay him back his dues. But no - Mark would not retaliate. He would not show off. He would not make fun of Adam.

Mark was always like this. He was considered a very level-headed chap, even though he was all of ten years old. People knew him as a well behaved kid who always presented himself immaculately in front of elders. He was a no-problem kid at school. He would say his prayers without fail. Play cricket in the evening with his friends. And he was a brilliant kid at his studies. And of course, he would go to his music classes without fail. He used to work musical wonders with the little fingers of his, on the small Casio he had. He had been presented this battery-powered gizmo, a rarity in the village, some years back by his uncle who had settled in the city. This lovable boy had now made the village proud. And the people had come to celebrate.

But someone else had other plans...

It was now almost seven. Everyone had assembled. Almost everything was in place for the event. Or that is what it looked like. The big chandelier lit up the hall. It was getting dark outside. And the weather was getting murkier. The rain now seemed to be getting heavier. There was the occasional streak of lightning. But things were still calm. Mark came into the room from the balcony, neatly dressed for the occasion. His dog followed its master running excitedly to the small podium-like arrangement that had been made for this occasion - immaculately designed but still simple in its look. Mark's mother was standing just beside the podium. His father was still trying to pacify the crying Steve. And grandpa was starting to get up from his chair.

Then it happened.......

A loud burst of thunder and lightning at the same time… And the door to the bedroom opened all of a sudden. And then they saw it.....All of them....With their mouths open. They were all in a state of shock. There on the floor, all in red, lay.....

They were all dead. Or so they seemed to indicate. They had a worn out look. Being battered and bruised all over. There was pin-drop silence in the hall. Mark started to cry. Not many had still realised the gravity of the situation. But Mark was quick to understand. This was the first time in the village this was happening and....

The occasion lay spoilt. Mark was crying inconsolably. His brother was crying too. Linda had no clue of what was going on. Everyone still lay in a state of shock. There were murmurs starting to emanate. They were all proud people of a great village. And the village was not famous for nothing. They were all proud of the law and order in the village. Now, they were all proud of Mark. They had all come for this occasion, in spite of the great distances to travel. What was about to be a lovely Sunday evening marked by celebration now seemed to lie in tatters. And everyone seemed to be murmuring in low hush tones. The question was...who had done it?

Mark's father was the first to come out of this state of shock. He asked everyone to calm down. He had to first pacify Mark. Mark's grandpa came over and asked him to carry on with the job of proceeding with what had to be done. So many people had come and there were still murmurs. The party had come to an end abruptly. And someone amongst them had been the cause of it. It could certainly not have been done by someone else who was not there. Their house was one of the secluded ones in the village. There was no chance of some third person doing it. It had to be someone in the household.... And this sent shivers down Waugh's spine. How could he handle the situation? How could he face the elders? How could he face his wife? How could he face Mark!? How had this happened?...

Waugh decided to act fast. Knowing the village people had to be pacified first, he went about his task. He left Mark with his grandpa and went to the bedroom. He first asked the people to be seated. He appealed to them not to panic and the party would go on as anticipated . But at the back of his mind there were several thoughts going on. His child's feelings, what everyone would think, and so on and so forth… But uppermost on his mind, the question was... who had done it?

This was no mean act. There were six of them. And all were dead now. There was absolutely no other clue in the room. Or at least at first sight... There was just the big wall-clock, the window that opened out to the garden and Mark's cricket bat that was resting on the cot. It was normally always kept in the balcony. The window was always open. So there was no great surprise in it being open now, though it was well into the night. The rain was still pouring outside and the humidity could be felt inside the room. Sweat was dripping down Waugh's forehead, more from the tension than from the weather.

Waugh's immediate suspicion was on the servant. Glenn had just joined the household. And he had been jittery throughout the evening. But he would not decide matters just on the basis of suspicion. He needed proof. He would have to investigate. And that is why he had asked everyone else to clear the area. Now he was alone in the room. He was still looking at the window when he heard another bout of thunder and lightning. Then he saw something strange. There was a patch of liquid just near the bed. And there was a distinct odour coming from it.

He momentarily looked to check - they were all still there. Red in color… Dead...Dead for some time now. The odour was stronger when he took a step closer. He wondered if it was from the liquid he had seen near the cot. The mat had some patches here and there but it wore a particularly bad look today - as if some tussle had gone on in the room... But he could still not figure out what might have happened.....

He then thought about questioning Glenn, and then all the others who had gone into the room. None of the guests could have come into the room. It had to be one among the family. And the thought frightened him. The door from the hall was almost always latched from this side and the other entrance from the second bedroom, was used only by family members and the servant. The door had now been accidentally opened by someone frightened by the sudden thunder.

The lack of a clear lead worried him. Glenn could have done it. But what was the proof? He would have to question Glenn. But Glenn might obviously resist from properly answering any questions. Linda or grandpa would not have done this act. And Mark himself had come back only this afternoon. Waugh was still looking at the evasive clue.

And suddenly a thought flashed in his mind. He bent all of a sudden and gave a look underneath the cot. Yes. He had cracked the case. There it was - the tape-recorder set given to them by their uncle in the city. It was lying down on the floor beside the mat. And it had recorded the entire thing the whole day. And he had heard it all the whole day too. He had never bothered to take much notice of it. But now everything was clear. The bits and pieces were put into place. Waugh had got the culprit. How could his own father have done it?

Grandpa at once admitted to the guilt. There was not much questioning done. No forcing. Even Glenn was party to it. He had been silenced by Grandpa's promise to him that he would never do such a thing in his life again. And Steve too had been "silently" involved in it. But of course he was too small to explain things out. Shane, being a dog could obviously not be a witness, though he had been there when the "nasty" episode had occurred.

Grandpa first apologised to Mark, who was now more cheerful than before. The crowd had also warmed itself to the occasion and was getting back on track to continue with the event. Never mind if this has happened. They had to continue with the proceedings. A big event such as this could not be put off due an eccentric old man's misdoings. The only person affected by the entire thing seemed to be Waugh. He still had to get the explanation from his father as to how he could have spoilt this occasion. And the mystery of the ruffled mat, the cricket bat, the small patch of liquid and the final clincher, the tape-recorder. Grandpa offered to explain...

It was these eccentric feelings in grandpa all of a sudden that had caused this. This act from a man of such a stature… And such an elderly person at that... He had suddenly gotten the desire to sing and dance aloud in the room. And he had wanted to record it too. And this was what was happening until the door opened. And Glenn came in. He had Steven in his arms and he was to put Steven on his cot for his afternoon nap. Glenn was startled to see Grandpa behaving in such an odd fashion. But the threesome of Glenn, Steven and the dog Shane, which had followed Glenn and Steven into the room, were almost all shattered on seeing Grandpa sing and dance too. Grandpa was so huge that the ground started to shake and the mat was totally trampled upon. Steven had gotten so frightened and had started crying inconsolably. Now Waugh understood why he was crying more than his usual quota. He had been totally frightened by the picture of Grandpa dancing. The smelly liquid patch that was lying in the room had to be attributed to what the dog would have felt about Grandpa's dance. No wonder the dog had been running around excitedly all day. And Glenn had still not recovered form the shock of seeing Grandpa sing and dance so badly. And Glenn had threatened to strike Grandpa with Mark's cricket bat if Grandpa continued to sing and dance as horribly as he was doing. Grandpa had obliged and stopped. And last but not the least, the tape-recorder and the mystery of the dead....

Of course, Waugh had found it all by himself. The tape-recorder lay open, with a cassette that had been completely recorded. And the six batteries that were the only ones left in the household had all been used up to do this work. Grandpa had taken the batteries from the Casio in the afternoon and had used them to record his voice on tape. The batteries were already old and rusted and their last remaining power had been totally drenched up in this. But late afternoon, the event was announced and people had immediately started to pour in for the occasion. And Grandpa had forgotten all about this. All about everything, including the fact that the batteries he had used were removed from Mark's Casio, and that Mark had to play the Casio that evening to the gathering. The tape-recorder had fallen to the ground on Grandpa's continuous stomping of the ground. And the cover had broken open to let the 6 red-colored dead batteries out.

Sunday being a holiday, there was absolutely no chance of getting any batteries for the event. The nearest house was at least a couple of miles away and it would not be possible to get any batteries at such short notice when it was raining so heavily. And anyway, not many in the village had electronic gizmos. So the event would have to go ahead without the main feat. Mark could not play the Casio now. He could not play the song that had won him the award!

The crowd had a hearty laugh on hearing the story from Waugh. Grandpa and Mark too had a hearty laugh. The mystery of grandpa and the dead batteries are now part of Austra's famous history.

A very happy new year 2010...

2009-12-18T16:57:00.003+05:30

2009 is ending and now is the time,
When you should expect one more rhyme!
As the clock ends the year with a chime,
Here's to you a poem sublime :)

Manmohan showed BJP the dustbin,
Rahul's austerity from max to min...
Tharoor's cattle class raised a din,
Obama win but a Nobel was sin.

Floods and storms killed a lot...
Climate change rules no one bought.
Whether they know how or not,
A standing farewell Jackson got.

Oscars reached the Slumdog band.
Katrina acquired Ranbir land.
Poor Elesh got Rakhi Sawant's hand.
Twenty Twelve and Avatar were grand.

Modi proved he is no ordinary bloke.
More records Sachin and Team India broke.
Federer in France for once didn’t choke.
Tiger Woods was the butt of many a joke.

Forgive and forget as is due...
Rejoice the best whether many or few.
A Happy Holiday and a fantastic year to all of you,
Hope a splendid 2010 starts anew...

P.S: I shall be away from the internet world for a good 2 week period! That's the reason for the advance wishes...

Avatar 3D - The Review

2009-12-18T13:16:00.007+05:30

Here is a very short review of the movie Avatar, based on a 3d experience at fame cinemas in bangalore. In short, I had to say it was a bit of an underwhelming experience but the imagery and the experience was grand. The sound effects might not have been great due to theatre quality. Personal tip - ensure you sit in the first few rows of the movie hall and bang in the center of the row. The view should ideally not be obstructed by the other movie goers! To make it short and sweet, the review is in the form of a tag cloud...

The top 10 characteristic cricket shots – and how the balls feel!

2009-12-16T12:22:00.004+05:30

Whenever our favorite cricketer hits his characteristic shot, we are all elated. But have we for once thought about the cricket ball. And what the cricket ball feels about the whole episode? The ball has its purpose in life – to go hit the stumps of the batsman. When it is not able to do that, it feels best if it is well left and goes inside the cozy comforts of the wicketkeeper’s gloves. Instead, when it gets a pounding as it does from some of the world-class batsman, it feels like being kicked out or hit hard.

With this in perspective, let us analyze some of the most characteristic shots in modern day cricket, and how this equates to anywhere from a polite send-off to a rude dumping for the cricket ball.

Cricketer: Thilakaratne Dilshan
Shot: Bend and send the ball back over the head of the wicketkeeper for four and completely change the trajectory of the ball
Feeling: You are dressed handsomely. You have a fine accent. You know you can talk you way to the American visa for which you have come all the way from Bangalore to Chennai. And you believe you have all the documents that are required. The visa officer talks very nicely to you. Except that he feels that your personality might pose a bigger threat to the USA than 10 Osamas put together. And to put you off in a completely different direction, he asks you for a document that he knows you would have probably used as a tissue paper substitute some time in your life. You are sent back to Bangalore with the next appointment a month away.

Cricketer: Chris Gayle
Shot: Spread out legs (pun intended) and dispatch out of the stadium over long on or mid-wicket with a big heave of the bat
Feeling: You hit upon a girl in a pub. She was speaking nicely to you. You thought this was your chance. You decided to go in for the kill and ask her out on a date. ‘Pat’ comes the reply in the form of a tight slap. The last you remembered before you awoke at the hospital - some big fat guys were lifting you up.

Cricketer: Gautam Gambhir
Shot: A constipated bend and nudge towards third man presumably for a clever four but ends up usually in a dumb single
Feeling: You have decided to land up on Saravana Stores to buy a shirt. All you know is that you entered the shop sometime back. The crowd pushed and shoved you towards some person who was showing shirts. Without any signaling or pointing, a cloth piece was packed. Again as you stood wondering what just happened, you are pushed towards the billing counter. When you took the kerchief out to swipe off your sweat, the purse came along with it. With the bill and the apparel in hand, you are now standing outside the shop still wondering what just happened. When you open the box, you realize you have a saree instead of a shirt.

Cricketer: Ross Taylor
Shot: Moving across the stumps to offer an LBW chance but heaving the bat quickly to send the ball from outside the off-stump to out of the stadium on the leg side
Feeling: You had the right focus. You had prepared well. You had beaten the others to it. You got your dream Day 0 job. Until the week after when the global stock markets crash. And the company plunges into recession. And they say that your appointment is deferred by 6 months. And of course, you have the choice of finding a job elsewhere since 6 could extend to 12 as well.

Cricketer: Yuvraj Singh
Shot: The complete kneel down on one foot as if to show respect and then launch a massive six over mid-wicket
Feeling: – You go into the marriage reception to greet a couple you hardly know. You are there because it is a ritual and someone asked you to come along. The couple is already tired of smiling for the last couple of hours. But however, you know you are in the public eye. The couple greets you with all the respect that you can ever get from unknown persons. And asks you to go and eat your food. At the back of their mind, they would be happy with one more good riddance. At the back of your mind, you know you are happy to get into the food hall. But unfortunately for you, there is such a long waiting line and at the end of the waiting, the food was so bad that it has started making sounds in your tummy. You now want to exit the place and attend nature’s dual call. But there is a long queue there as well…

The other top 10 characteristic shorts – you can contribute how the balls feel during these...

Mahendra Singh Dhoni – The small spread of the legs to hit a straight drive that sizzles past the bowler
Virender Sehwag - Extremely powerful cover drive on the off-side where point and cover are still looking at the batsman while the ball has sailed past the cover boundary for a six
Sachin Tendulkar – The paddle sweep invented to counter Shane Warne’s spin during the test series in India
Ricky Ponting - The front-foot movement, short bend and majestic pull over square leg with super-fast hand-eye coordination
Kevin Pieterson: The elaborate movement across the stumps and a glance to send the ball from outside off to across the leg side mid-wicket region for a boundary

Happy 60th Birthday Rajinikanth

2009-12-12T12:56:00.005+05:30

Rajini the Thalaiver,
Stylish and clever,
At any age, you tire never,
Happy birthday, forever...

In honor of a special 60th birthday, here are the Top 5 lists of various types of movies of Thalaiver. The same is available here on Twitter.

Top 5 Rajini Style / All-time Best Movies - (1) Baasha (2) Padayappa (3) Shivaji (4) Muthu + Moondru Mugam (5) Thalapathi (#) Other Mentions - Annamalai, Mannan
Top 5 Rajini Acting Movies - (1) Thalapathi (2) Netri Kann (3) Engeyo Ketta Kural (4) Gayathri (5) Raghavendra (#) Other Mentions - Bhairavi, Peddarayudu (Telugu), Bhuvana Oru Kelvikuri, Thappu Thalangal
Top 5 Rajini Comedy Movies - (1) Thillu Mullu (2) Guru Sishyan (3) Mannan (4) Velaikkaaran (5) Arunachalam (#) Other Mentions - Maappillai
Top 5 Rajini Senti Roles - (1) Engeyo Ketta Kural (2) Naan Adimai Illai (3) Yejaman (4) Dharmadurai (5) Anbullah Rajinikanth (#) Other Mentions - Gaayathri
Top 5 Rajini Action Movies (1) Thalapathi (2) Naan Sigappu Manithan (3) Murattukalai (4) Siva (5) Kodi Parakkudhu (#) Other Mentions - Pokkiri Raja
Top 5 Rajini Music Movies - (1) Johny (2) Ninaithaale Inikkum (3) Baasha (4) Muthu (5) Thalapathi (#) Other Mentions - Rajathi Raja, Uzhaippali
Top 5 Rajini Thinking Movies (1) Chandramukhi (2) Netrikann (3) Priya (4) Naan Sigappu Manithan (5) Annamalai (#) Other Mentions - Mr. Bharath
Top 5 Rajini Romance Movies (1) Pudukavidhai (2) Veera (3) Thambikku Endha Ooru (4) Yejaman (5) Velaikkaran (#) Other Mentions - Gayathri
Top 5 Rajini Negative Roles - (1) 16 Vayathinile (2) Moondru Mudichu (3) Thappu Thalangal (4) Apoorva Ragangal (5) Polladhavan
Top 5 Rajini Duds :( (1) Baba (2) Bloodstone (3) Valli (4) Kuselan + Pandiyan (5) ALL HINDI (#) Other Mentions - Adhisaya Piravi, Kodi Parakkudhu, Maaveeran

Any more list ideas or any more additions to existing lists, please do add...

The typical lifecycle of a Twitter user

2009-12-10T19:18:00.004+05:30

The following diagram depicts the typical lifecycle of users on Twitter... (Click on the image to enlarge flowchart)

The REAL top 10 search trends...

2009-12-03T15:41:00.006+05:30

Over the last week, there have been various top search engines that have been publishing the list of top 10 search queries for 2009. One could go a step further and assume that the following would be the trends for celebrities and common people alike across various fields such as sports, entertainment, media etc.

User-base: Government Officials (Category: Politics)
Popular Queries
i) How should I live in austerity
ii) How to evade questions on peace with Pakistan

User-base: American policy-makers/ Peace-makers (Category: World)
Popular Queries
i) What strategies to follow to continue attacking Afghanistan, Iraq
ii) What reasons to provide for giving Obama the Nobel prize

User-base: Top movie producers / TV serial-makers (Category: Entertainment)
Popular Queries
i) How to deliver a hit in Bollywood
ii) How to convert Rakhi Sawant to marriage material

User-base: Indian Cricket Team / Golfers (Category: Sports)
Popular Queries
i) Which companies are available for selling myself to
ii) What not to do with a golf club

User-base: Tech-savvy consumers (Category: Technology)
Popular Queries
i) What to do with Google Wave
ii) How not to tweet like Sashi Tharoor

User-base: Writers / Musicians (Category: Literary / Arts)
Popular Queries
i) How to write books for Rs.95 and still make millions like Chetan Bhagat
ii) How to pass an opinion on everything like Arundathi Roy

User-base: Journalists / TV Reporters (Category: Media / Journalism)
Popular Queries
i) How to pick a story to sensationalize
ii) How to shout like Rajdeep Sardesai

User-base: Working professionals (Category: Corporate India)
Popular Queries
i) How to act busy at work so that I don’t get fired during recession
ii) How to steal free food at office to increase savings

User-base: Young Indians (Category: Lifestyle)
Popular Queries
i) How to earn and eat, and spend the same on gyms before marriage
ii) How to put on weight after marriage

User-base: The Common Man (Category: General)
Popular Queries
i) How to ignore everything around just enough for living my own life
ii) How to vote without any choice

P.S: Last heard, none of the search engines could give a valid answer for most of the questions across the spectrum. The said parties were interested in any answers humans might have…

P.S 2: This post links to a lot of older posts. Foresight maybe... :)

Any more for any of the above categories or any other category of users, please add on in the comments section…

The online biggies in the Roman empire

2009-11-26T15:02:00.008+05:30

In ancient Rome, Caesar once saw Cleopatra passing by and immediately alerted Brutus.

Csr: I just love her face, book her for me please, will you?
Bru: Oh that should be easy. I shall b(r)ing her for you. In the meantime, go ogle at her from far.
Csr: Yeah, who would miss that chance!
Bru: (mumbles to himself)....

Brutus lands up the same evening with Cleopatra inside his arms...
Csr: (shouting) You cheated me? She was the apple of my i. Why did you flick her from me?
Bru: She had sense Caesar. So she decided to pick me over you.
Csr: She was mine. You intruded into my space.
Cleo: (barging in) I didnt want an old (a)owl like you.
Bru: (looking at Cleopatra) This week I paid ya. You better come with me.
Csr: Nooooo... Stop. Take money. Take land. Take ranches. Take everything. Give her to me.
Bru: Chill Caesar. I m dabbling only for this week. I am going out wit her now. Tata bye pi Caesar.
Csr: (falling down from his throne) You tu(be) Brutus?...

(P.S 1: Refer here for a similar conversation on 'The first nIghT' though that was predominantly w.r.t. IT Services companies)

(P.S 2: Needless to say, this is completely for fun. No offense please!)

Top 10 Doordarshan TV moments from back then...

2009-11-24T23:57:00.007+05:30

In honor of the twitter trend #youremember here is a list of the top 10 Videos (thanks to Youtube) of the yesteryears. Each of these videos signifies something special... Something that a lot of Indians of that generation could relate to... Something that a lot of us could enjoy, whenever we saw them since there was not much choice of channel or content. Here's to reliving those days...

Mile Sur Mera Tumhara - This one needs no introduction. When the torch gets passed from cricket player to cinema star to everyone else across the spectrum, and finally when the tricolor comes on screen with the fantastic musical score in the background, there are certain goosebumps any living Indian would get. (And here is a post on what if Mile Sur Mera Tumhara was redone today)
Jungle Book Title Song - The jungle boy jumping around with his animals with a nice kid singing in the background was one of the earliest cartoons that came on our TV screens.
Ek Chidiya - A simple concept of unity in diversity, explained by a brother sister animated combo with a fantastic tune.
Hamara Bajaj - This was just an ad. But it was for the Bajaj scooter, which was part and parcel of Indians' live. The 'Hamara Bajaj' background score indicated something more, something special that gave the feeling of national pride.
Doordarshan Montage - The first sign of the day's TV starting, and a sign of it ending. The iconic music is etched in our memories, thanks to the many movies that symbolically indicate the day's start using this one tune.
Heman / Spiderman - TV was our biggest friend, far ahead of books. And Heman raising his sword to the sky and the 'friendly neighbourhood Spiderman' going across from building to building to the two distinctive background scores were guys' favorite shows at that time. In the era of cable TV, WWF wrestling came to serve guys' needs better!
Didi's Comedy Show - Nonstop nonsense was what the title said. And it was true to that. And it made you laugh like hell. If there was one guy, who could make you laugh without any words said, it was this German guy. He never spoke. And his actions were terribly funny. The ending bit of the show where there is a phase-lagged 4 screens on your screen at the same time are just about awesome!
Superhit Muqabla (could not find a video) - Though Oliyum Oliyum in its Tamil avatar and Chitrahaar in its Hindi avatar served us for many years, Superhit Muqabla was something special. There was the twist of a countdown, a model for a veejay and the latest songs from the latest films. And of course, it was on the special channel - DD2!
Mahabhaarat - Everyone knew the story, but one set of arrows fighting another formed spectacular graphics at that stage, enough to make everyone glued to their TV screens. And the start of the epic show was the title track which got translated into multiple languages as well along with the show itself.
The World this Week (jump to after the first minute in video) - When a young half-bald Prannoy Roy came on the screen and showed us bits and pieces of bombings across the world or Australian cricket with stump cameras and floodlights and colored clothing, people were amazed and wanted to watch the half hour show though it was only once a week and at a really late hour.

If you know of any other videos, please do include those in the comments section.

P.S: I have not directly embedded the videos since that would have made the page terribly long...

Why Indians get into IT...

2009-11-20T10:00:00.003+05:30

A childhood dream of being a pilot,
Never at home and fly a lot they bet.
Wear white and white and be trim and super-fit,
And sit and shit forever in the cockpit...

I then thought of being a doctor,
They wanted something big in barter.
We were poor folks living on rental,
With all the hassles my family would have become mental.

The next thing that amazed me was cricket,
But I was always on a sticky wicket.
I needed to pose for infinite lux ads,
And have affairs with the gals of the other lads.

Glitz and glam made be a wannabe actor,
I was blown away by the deciding factor.
The northies said i needed to be very fair,
While the southies wanted lots of facial hair..

I thought of becoming a government servant,
But being a politician was akin to being a serpent.
Talk a ton of crap and take a lot of money,
Sugarcoat all the junk to the public as honey.

Marketing, finance and HR i gave the pass -
Good looks, cooking your books and acting like crooks were all bakwaas.
So i landed up in IT to sit in the AC and browse and blog,
I proudly proclaim myself part of the industry that India's educated folks hog...

From
An IT soul...

A poetic letter to Sachin Tendulkar

2009-11-06T15:45:00.003+05:30

Oh Little Master Blaster whose effort yesterday went in vain...
I write this poem requesting you to wipe out a small stain.
As I am debating here between ecstasy and pain...
Your inning was the main, but eventually the match gave us no gain.

From the day you hit those sixes off Abdul Khadir,
We knew you would be Indian cricket's modern day father.
And in New Zealand when you went behind the leather,
We knew any storm you could help us weather...

Against Warne the famous paddle sweep,
In Chennai and Sharjah when the targets where steep.
Against Akhtar and Murali you had us leap...
And made the opponent bowlers and the captains weep!

I have defended you with gusto many a time,
Even when there was no reason or rhyme...
Fighting tooth and nail, I did not give a dime...
Until it seemed as though you were going past your prime.

Over the years when you neared your hundred,
Amidst the shouting as the whole stadium thundered!
You used to take your own sweet time lest you blundered,
As everyone sitting around grudgingly wondered...

Even when Dravid won more matches than you,
The blind joy and faith waited for something to chew.
One big 4th inning overseas win from you was due,
But it never came as happy moments outside were far and few.

Last year, when people asked you to retire...
You came back with more fire.
Australia and England were objects of your ire,
Winning matches showed us you never tire!

Despite all your records and holding the nation together for 20 years...
When you getting out, more than death, is what every grandmom fears.
Your every shot or wicket the entire nation hears...
Defeat when we could have won because of you plunges us into tears.

So Sachin, please take us to victory every time even though our wish might be flawed,
Despite all these trivialities we continue to be awed.
Cause we know you are specially created by the Lord...
You will always be India's universally worshipped cricket God...

From a Fan...

Remembering the Diwali, of a long time ago...

2009-10-18T13:17:00.006+05:30

“Tring Tring”. Rang the phone bell.

I woke up startled from my sleep cursing the phone. My mom came into the room and handed me the device. It was my paati* on the phone. I got up, still in a trance. And glanced around to get a glimpse of the time. It was 10:30 am. And there was just a feeble sound of firecrackers in the distance.

It was Diwali day, I realized. I wished my paati & thaatha ‘Happy Diwali’ and tried to get back to my sleep. But I could not. Lying down on my bed, I started wondering… Wondering about those Diwalis many years ago

I was probably in my 3rd standard, when the earliest memories of Diwali strike me. It was my paati who would light the first pattasu* in the house. 3:00 am was always the time. It was a custom followed for many years. We would all wait eagerly for the sound of that first one. It was our cue to wake up. And pronounce to the whole world that we were the first in the locality to wake up. There was a big competition in the neighborhood for being the early bird. The earlier the time you could state, the more your social standing was for the day.

In the next room, I could hear my mom shouting out to me to wake up. This was probably her 20th call out to me. I had obviously not paid heed to any of it earlier and was blissfully sleeping on my bed. My father was banging on my bedroom door to force me out of bed as well.

In those days, we had to run around the house and create a racket to wake up everyone. We would shout out to our parents to wake up. We would always wonder how they did not share the same enthusiasm to wake up and burst crackers. My dad would be the problem child. He just did not feel the importance to wake up early. I would do my level best to wake him up to make him ready along with us by around 4 am at the least. But the earliest he would have probably seen was 7 am.

As I woke up and brushed my teeth, I called out to my mom to put my dress in the bedroom so I that I could use it. I was just about to pick up the soap and shampoo for taking bath when my mom called out to come to the puja room to get the dress. I was too lazy to walk out and refused to oblige.

If there was one part about Diwali that I hated then, it was the oil on the head bit, and something worse – the black colored Diwali medicine called the ’legiyam’*. A drop of oil is all that I would get on my head. And there was absolutely no way that the black colored semi-solid legiyam was getting into my mouth. A sound of irritation, turning the face the other side, running around so that no one could catch me, holding my breath so that I could keep the thing in my mouth and spit it out later – all these were the tried, tested but unsuccessful methods of not having the dark concoction. On the other side, the new dress was our pride for the day. The same dress would also be used the next day in school for showing around on the one occasion when students were not required to come in white and blue.

After taking bath, I dressed up and came outside. My eyes immediately went towards the boxes of sweets that were lying around. The variety was pronounced. Laddoos, mysore pak, badhushah, mixture, thattai* and more assorted sweets. ‘Grand Sweets’, ‘Surya Sweets’, and ‘Krishna Sweets’ read out the sweet boxes. A solitary bowl of home-made semiya payasam* was lying next to these boxes.

The sweet / savories making process in those days started more than a week ahead of the actual festival date. Elaborate arrangements were made to source the various types of dough to make the home-made delicacies. My grandma’s mysore-pak was a super specialty. So also her thengozhal*. My mom and aunts would help her make all the items for all the households. Just watching them gave the feeling of the approaching festivities. And the sampling of the items was a fantastic opportunity to get your mouth full of lip-smacking sweet dishes. All the items had to be home-made.

As I walked around the house, I could hear the sound of the pattimandram* on Sun TV in the background. My dad was laughing out at how Solomon Pappaiya* was summarizing the discussion. I picked up the paper to see what new movies were getting released – only one Surya movie called ‘Aadhavan’. Rest all, absolutely junk.

I remember one of those last few exciting Diwalis when Manirathnam’s Roja was released. Along with Kamalhassan’s Devar Magan. I think I was in the 9th standard then. We were all taking the customary break from firecrackers for the special screening of ‘Oliyum Oliyum’ on Doordarshan. This was the programme where they were going to play the latest movie songs from the flicks that were getting released that day. We were looking out for the name of Ilayaraja on the movie banner that they displayed for the movie ‘Roja’. Some ‘new actor and actress’, someone claimed. ‘A.R. Rehman’ displayed the banner. ‘Who was this new music guy’, someone remarked… And then started ‘Chinna Chinna Aasai’ and all of us were glued to the TV, mesmerized…

I then took the one single 56 wallah Red Fort and the box of matches lying next to it. I went outside and the street was more or less calm. There was still that firecracker noise from the distance, not so far away as was the case when I was in bed, but still some distance away. I kept the cracker on the ground, lighted the match-stick first, then used that to light one of the multiple threads that was sprouting out from the red-colored pieces of gun-powder that were just about to blow up. I could hear the sound, this time much closer, as I turned my back and started walking back home.

The ordering process for the firecrackers was a mammoth exercise. We were given a budget to work towards. This hovered from around Rs. 150 upwards of Rs. 400 sometimes. Finalizing on the combination was an exercise in optimization. Finalizing on the supplier was an exercise in keeping your ears and eyes wide open for the cheapest deals. The Rs. 10 packets of loose bijilis and the roll cap along with the toy pistol formed the starters for the 7-course sumptuous fire-cracker spread. Other parts of this included the flower-pots very early in the morning when it was still dark, the Lakshmi / Sparrow single bursts around dawn, the atom / hydrogen bombs around early morning, the red-forts later in the morning, the innovatively used coconut shells around various types of firecrackers in the afternoon and the flower-pots and the rockets reappearing in the night to close out the bursting sessions. We also stored a few items for the upcoming Karthikai Deepam*. Out of the 24 hours in a day, a good part of 15 hours would be spent amidst the bang-bang sounds.

I then went up and took out my laptop from my bag. As I logged on to the internet, I could see a whole lot of status messages on Diwali wishes. This was from my world wide web of friends and relatives. I could also see a lot of SMS wishes on my phone that was sitting on the side. I started typing out my own Diwali poem for me to send out to the hundreds of my contacts across Facebook, Twitter, and my mobile.

The one break we took in the afternoon from bursting was to go meet all the relatives around. This started with my uncles / aunts and culminated in my other grandma / grandpa’s house. Across all of these houses, we were fed more sweets and other delicacies. We were also given the remaining firecrackers that were not utilized, especially in the homes of the elderly. We were also supposed to burst a couple of crackers in those houses where there was no young one. Diwali was an occasion to go meet all these folks. And to exchange pleasantries… The contacts-circle was typically limited to people staying within 1 km of you…

As I finished typing out my messages across these various sites, I started wondering what was it that had changed in my celebrating this wonderful festival across all these years... I guess it was around the 11th standard when I suddenly lost my excitement for bursting crackers. And now, it was another holiday off from work, to take rest at home. I realized that most of us have grown up. And priorities have changed. This is probably true of our fathers when we were kids. And it is probably true of our kids when we grow up too.

But remembering those moments always brings out that smile in me. After all, this is what nostalgia is about. And that is what gives you ultimate fun when you think of those years gone by… Those years, when no one was too old, to wake up early and start bursting firecrackers at 3 a.m. in the morning…

*Key (Tamil Words)

Paati = Grandma
Thaatha = Grandpa
Pattasu = Firecracker
Legiyam = Semi-solid concoction of medicinal herbs
Badhushah & Semiya payasam, Thengozhal & Thattai = South Indian Sweets, Savories respectively
Pattimandram = Debate; Solomon Pappaiya = Moderator of the debate
Karthikai Deepam = Festival in November / December where houses are completely lit in the night

A typical day in the life of a Twitter follower

2009-10-16T18:53:00.008+05:30

There was once a novelty factor to Twitter. As time goes by, this novelty factor morphs into well, no T factor. Following is a depiction of 80% of all of our Twitter pages...

Just click to expand the photo and read through...

Arbit Thoughts - What advertisement is it?

2009-09-29T14:48:00.002+05:30

Seeing an ad on TV, and understanding what product it is trying to highlight, has become a humongous task. Leave alone the brand recognition, i am talking about the product recognition itself.

It is super hard to distinguish an ad for a soap from that of a shampoo. Invariably, the model has great hair to go with shiny skin.

And to distinguish an ad for a shampoo from a skin cream or moisturizer that can leave you with a bright smiling face. Bright faces apparently need to have shiny hair. And when faces and hair are shining so well, can sparkling teeth be far behind?

The whole face package is inevitably splendidly lustrous for all of the above ads.

One product though that is very easy to guess is the fairness cream. In all cases, the model has deliberately applied charcoal on their face. And over a two-week period, they rub the coal off their face. It is so evident as that is the only way someone could transform their skin color so dramatically within a two-week period.

FMCG companies have a reasonable task to make the consumer understand a value proposition within a 20 second ad. If they can supercharge their head and stop the in-the-face advertising (pun intended), that sure helps a lot of viewers to understand ads better!

The Srilankan Cricket team inside a Tamil love story...

2009-09-15T23:34:00.004+05:30

Overheard, a proposition, from Sekar (our hero), a pakka namma Chennai youth, trying to seduce Jaya (our heroine), a Madras baashai KD girl from Gummidipoondi...

S: Hi sexy girl, naan thaan sekar... Autokaara Sekar..
J: Vanakkam Ba. Naan thaan jaya, thotti jaya... Matter sollu...
S: Vandhu, ... Adhu Vandhu....
J: Ada, chattu puttu nu sollu da badhil shani yane...
S: Mudhalla... indhaanga poo, mothama arali tharen ungalukku... evalvu poo paarunga...
J: Cha nalla set malliga poo thara maata...
S: Adutha dhaba tharen... Naan vandhu ungala loves pannrenga...
J: Adada, enna loves pannrathukkellam oru thagudhi venum pa... Inna vandi otra nee?
S: Auto... Share auto...
J: Thoo share auto va...
S: Appadi korachu eda podadheenga. Unga mela total feelings nga, neruppu mela sathiyama...
J: Neruppu nu sonna thaan nyabagam vardhu, Kannu dham beedi etha pudippiya...
S: Cha cha, andha bad habits laan kadayaadhu...
J: Cha waste ba nee...
S: Naan waste a irukkalam, aana haste a decision edukkaadheenga...
J: Indha maari dialogue vittu nenjaya soriyariyepa...
S: Karpu god ram oda wife sita mela promise, en love no galeej and tremendous...
J: Cha, indha kosu tholla thaanga mudiyala pa...
S: Aan chellam mat use pannriya...
J: Dei unna thaan da sonnen...
S: Last and final time, kenji ketkaren... Emma, Ela, Jaya, Vardhaane ennoda...
J: Dei kulla sekara, ingendhu joot vidu, illa unna naalu kummu arai En sanga kaarana kudukka solluven...
S: OK saari. Next meet pannren... Vartaa....

And that is how the short love story between Jaya and Sekar ended...

Supporting Cast
dhil shan = Tilakaratne Dilshan
mothama arali tharen = Muthiah Muralitharan
la set malliga = Lasith Malinga
Thoo share = Thilan Thushara
Kannu dham bee = Thillina Kandamby
jaya soriya = Sanath Jayasuriya
Karpu god ra = Chamara Kappugedera
ej and tremendous = Ajantha Mendis
Aan chellam mat use = Angelo Mathews
ma, Ela, Jaya, Vardhaane = Mahela Jayawardane
kulla sekara = Nuwan Kulashekara
kummu arai En sanga kaarana = Kumara Sangakkara, the captain

Arbit thoughts - The earphones / cell charger problem

2009-08-30T16:34:00.001+05:30

How many times has this happened to you - you are in the middle of a fantastic song on your earphones and for some reason your one ear has turned deaf.

Of course, it is not your ear but your earphones that are creating the effect of the temporary muteness.

Your analytical mind gets into action to find the specific cause of the earphones not working. It is like being in a dream all gone wrong - instead of pinching yourself to check if you are awake, you start pinching the earphones at various places to check what the cause of the problem is. Is it the point where it connects to the device, or the place where it branches off into two wires or right at the end where the confluence of the earphones with your ears happens.

Immediately after identifying the cause, you try your skills at geo-positioning that part of the phones. Various angles and positions are tried until that one in a million position is conquered.

And you emerge with a sense of great achievement. And a notion of happiness that you don't need to send it for repair...

Only till the person sitting next to you knocks you on your shoulder to check on what song you are listening to. And then the whole process starts again...

The problem also manifests itself when you connect your phone charger to your phone. Similar techniques are followed there as well.

Arbit thoughts - Kids and trains

2009-08-27T10:05:00.003+05:30

What is it about kids and trains that defeats all laws of probability - the chance of finding a crying kid in the same train as oneself is always 100 percent!

Crying kids have a knack of shouting at the highest possible pitch, for the longest possible duration and still maintain their sweet innocence. This is certainly not advised for adults though.

A kid's crying has a great social networking effect as well - there is always some other kid that takes its cue from the crying kid and starts off on another track. When they criss-cross each other's path during their crying, various ragas and alapanas can be deciphered.

There is also kumbakarna's third law of sleep intervention that applies here - a crying child will momentarily stop crying to give you a slight belief that you can finally sleep. But right after you do start your nap, the crying is louder than ever before.

Parents of course try their best but they typically add to the kid's reasons for crying! So next time, you should never try to frighten a kid to stop it from crying. Remember the sight of a crying child can frighten a sleepy you much more!

Arbit thoughts - The inseparable mobile phone

2009-08-08T22:43:00.005+05:30

What is it with mobile phones that make us always look at them? While talking. While walking. While driving.

It is as though the entire world is calling out to you with the most important of messages. Specially so when you are on the back of a scooter, or talking to a friend at home, or sitting and eating at restaurant.

Why is it that in the middle of any such activity, there seems to be an extra sense of urgency to look longingly at the phone? Maybe people actually have their talking script typed out as a message on it...

Or is it that touching the phone gives people the satisfaction of ensuring that the phone's karma for the next half hour is taken care of? The fast moving hand trying to unlock the phone. Followed by a mildly dejected look at the absence of a message. And the same fast moving hand locking the phone to put it gently back to sleep.

A friend told me the other day that his spouse has started responding to the phone more than him! So if he has to call out to her in the next room, a phone call has a better chance of getting through than his voice!

Mobile payments have replaced the wallet. Wonder when mobile lipstick and mobile combs are going to replace the other accessories that unnecessarily take up pocket and handbag space...

That time is not too long away - when you are mobile, the mobile might be the only thing on you!

If 'Mile Sur Mera Tumhara' were remade today...

2009-07-28T20:08:00.007+05:30

Mile Sur Mera Tumhara - This is a song from the 80s Doordarshan that no one from our generation would forget. But to make it relevant to the current school-going generation, there may have to be some changes done to the song. And some things, that just should not change even today. And certainly, there might be some surprise elements too…

5 things that would change

The song would start with a white and white clad A R Rahman with long tresses and waving hands
Instead of people ploughing their land or going in tractors, people coding in software companies and watching a rocket take off from Sriharikota would be highlighted
The Delhi Metro, Virender Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir would replace the Calcutta underground and its host of personalities
The next generation of Hindi cinema would take over from their parents or predecessors – the 3 Khans instead of the Amitabh / Mithun / Jeetendra trio, Deepika instead of Prakash Padukone, Kajol instead of Tanuja, and so on.
The waving well-lit cell-phone with different color displays would replace the people running in at the end of the song to form our flag

5 things that would NOT change

Bollywood and cricket would forever be the passions of our country and act as the anchors for the song
The Taj Mahal, Goa beach, Dal Lake, Punjab greens, Thar Desert, The Indian Railways, Elephants in Kerala etc. would continue as the icons of India
The traditional serene village lands and people of the North east have hardly changed
Kamalhassan, Amitabh Bhachan, etc. may be old but are still gold and would appear in the song even today
Lata Mangeshkar would still sing the song

5 things that one would NOT be surprised if were introduced

One representative from every political party would find a place in the song, with a specially constructed statue of Mayawati at the start of the song
Microsoft & Google chiefs and Barack Obama would do a round of thanks to India for offering to be the source of their company’s and country’s brains
A rich suit-clad man and a beggar look at the Bombay Stock Exchange longingly
The attire of the stars in the song would use lesser cloth and more skin show than the traditional saree of yesteryears
Raakhi Sawant and to-be-husband from the reality show as well as a host of dancing, singing, and doing-anything for fame folks from all the junk reality shows make an appearance in the song

And before signing off, the original song itself...

Tam Brahms: We are like this wonly - Mind It!

2009-07-23T00:26:00.004+05:30

Times are changing. And so is the Tam Brahm race. As the world graduates to Facebook and online dating, Obama and soccer, we are also changing.

At least on the face of it!

Inherently, we won’t! And we can’t… The top 5 indications for this follow…

Façade: We have started naming our kids Amit / Abhishek trying to make their names look more cosmopolitan.
Fact: For every 1 Amit, there are still 99 names with a Balaji or a Sriram or a Subramaniam (with variations of n or m to end the word!) or Vidya or Ramya…
Façade: We love eating pizzas and butter naans, albeit in Saravana Bhavan!
Fact: That, and we also still love our puliyodharai from Parthasarathy Swamy Temple, specially standing twice in the queue with a changed outfit to fool the distribution point of contact, or the curd rice from Anjaneya temple (we can bring the aavakkai pickle in our pocket)
Façade: We always seem to determine the raga behind any song, including a Led Zeppelin hard rock number.
Fact: We feign knowledge of Carnatic music while all we have ever learnt is Violin or Mrudangam during a compulsory 40 minutes-per-week art education class till the 7th Std. in school!
Façade: We have our representations in varied industries including cinema, music, literature, sport etc.
Fact: We still swear and die by an IIT or BITS engineering degree and an MS from the US! It is another thing that we drop all of it to get into some software job or an MBA!
Façade: We network actively through Orkut and Facebook and find matches through online dating.
Fact: A lot of the match making happens courtesy our friendly neighbourhood mama and mami in house functions and temple visits! And the groom typically works in the US or has some connection with IT!

Any more, feel free to add to the comments...

Top 10 new advertising slots in IPL

2009-04-28T21:48:00.005+05:30

DLF Maximum. Citi Moment of Success. Etc. Etc. The IPL organizers are getting queries from new advertisers increasingly for more ad slots. So they have decided to take every inch of space available on the ground, on the players' bodies and in the spectator area to create the following 10 new brand associations -

Colgate smile - Players who have hit a 4 or a 6 or a 50, or bowlers who have taken a wicket need to smile with all their teeth; Such a moment is called a Colgate smileeeeeeeee; If a player does not smile or he does not brush his teeth before the match, he is fined 20% of his match fee.
VIP underwear knockout - Since every other part of the player's attire is taken, all teams will introduce a Superman-type dress code where the underwear would be worn over the trousers; Bowlers get bonus points for hitting that area, and such a delivery is called a VIP knockout ball.
New York Mutual Life Insurance - Whenever the balls goes to the cover region, the commentator claims that it was 'absorbed' by the NYML cover. Future regions on the ground include Veet fine leg etc.
Jet Frequent Flier - The bowler who gives the maximum number of DLF maximums is called the Jet Frequent Flier...
Kellogs Breakfast - Every time a break ends before the 1st ball of the next over starts, such sympathetic breaks are brought to you by Kellogs Break'fast'
Kiwi polish ball - The shiny new white ball will be branded as "brought to you by Kiwi polish" with the black bird image; if the Newzealanders take offence, they will be asked to shine all balls using natural means.
Sony Music Bhangra Special appeal - Bowlers and fielders who raise an appeal for a dismissal have to instantly break into a Bhangra number (both hands pointing towards the sky) with constant shouting and dancing; umpire would be giving out only if he is impressed with the dance.
Tata Steel helmet - A "T" symbol painted on the batsman's helmet grill, if he does not wear a helmet, the symbol will be painted on his nose; If the ball passes through the grill and breaks the player's nose, player says Tata / Bye Bye to his IPL.
Five Star Fruit & Nut - Bollywood stars who are being shown on TV whenever their team is playing - The players of the star's team are total fruits while the star is a complete nut.
Dev D Extra Inning - For the 'Emotional Atyachaar' song...In honor of what Mr. Samir Kochar and Arun Lal commit every day.

Any more such innovative brand associations, please use the comments section...

The Indian Revolution - Part 1

2009-03-13T23:19:00.003+05:30

“I shall hold my country in the highest esteem. I shall never take a single paisa more than what I earn as my salary. I shall make it the best place on this earth to live in, for all on this earth. Women, children and men of all caste, creed, sect, language, race, religion will have equality in every single aspect of their life in our country. If ever me or any of our party members fail to uphold any of the above, that person will bow down in front of the Indian democracy and forfeit their position immediately. In the next five years, we shall make India the best country in the world where poverty, illiteracy, disease, pollution, discrimination and corruption are only found in the dictionary.”

One could hear huge cheers from across the country. The speech had been delivered by the 32 year-old prime minister of India. Translators were busy on their job converting the speech to the various languages for the millions of people who had tuned into the speech to listen. Every medium in the country - from radio to TV to cinema halls to the modern man's internet was beaming the live speech.

32-year old PM! The youngest ever in the country… Just two days back, the revolution was complete. The “Youth of Utopia” (YOU) with the guidance of the “Wise Elderly” (WE) had come to power.

Yes – YOU were in power. And that was a cause for major celebration for the people. The people, who had for so long demanded a clean and young government that could realize the true potential of the great country of India. One that could get India get out of its bottom 150+ position in the “place to live in” index and would catapult it to the top 5.

It had not been an easy path for them. They had slogged it out for the last 5 years against the might of the established parties and their goondas, against the money of the corrupt, against the mindsets of people from the deepest of village and against their own self-apprehensions. But the group of 545 people with the support of over 50000 educated youngsters and 5000 generous elders accomplished what none had even dreamed of before.

And to think it all started with a message some had put on one of those many social networks...

To Continue…

Dated
15 / 08 / 2???

Disclaimer: Whether the above is fictional or not is for the public to decide…

Those top 10 nostalgic moments

2009-02-15T12:34:00.009+05:30

In this fast-paced world, I am sure every one of us, at various instances in our lives, would want to go back to our good old days, to relive those great moments of a care-free life! Though studying in a CBSE school meant you had to be on top of your books, there still was a lot of time for the joys of TV in the form of DD1 and DD2, the various comic books, special once-in-a-blue-moon restaurant visits, and the two and half months of summer vacation for planning out immense amount of activities and games! The following ten items stand out for me in terms of their experience...

DD1 & DD2 along with Mile Sur Mera, Ek Chidiya, 'Sorry for the interruption' and 'Over to Delhi' - The World this week by Prannoy Roy and SportsMag by Harsha Bhogle were much sought after on DD1: the former captured everyone's hearts in his calm and crystal-clear way of giving a snapshot of the world events for the past week while the latter had a superfast way of speaking English which made everyone sit up and get puzzled on who this newbie was! On DD2, Superhit Muqabla was fun to watch even if the top 10 song list never changed week after week. Of course, Mile Sur Mera starting with Bhimsen Joshi and the animated Ek Chidiya were ever popular. On the other extreme were the painful view of "Sorry for the interruption" or "Over to Delhi" just when you didn't want them!
5 digit telephone numbers - 77438 was our house phone number. And I still remember all of my friends' numbers - since it was so easy remembering a 5 digit number! Nowadays, with the 10 digit cell phone numbers, I don't even remember my own number from a couple of years back! Even though those telephone instruments used to hurt the finger, specially if most of the numbers required a 270 degree motion of the dial, it gave you the satisfaction of talking to people instead of sending them SMS and scraps!
Home-made 'bakshanam' (sweets / savories) - That basically stands for uppu / vella seedai, murukku, thengozhal, ribbon, pakoda, thattai which were regularly done for many of the special occasions by my grandmas. No Grand Sweets, no Surya sweets then, to get packaged items. They were all done at home and could be consumed hot off the stove! Just the process of seeing them make it told us that there was a big occasion at home. And the festive spirit was invoked and enjoyed.
'Big Fun' Bubblegum - This was a very guy thingie but collection of runs and wickets that came along with the bubblegum was such a big activity then. Exchange of those player profiles and getting those rare ones from the older guys was worth more than anything else in life! The more soiled the chits were, the greater their value! This was over and above the competition on the size of the bubble that one could blow using the bubblegum.
Hiring a cycle - At Re.1 per hour, it was a big deal then. Still, the joyous feeling going through the same roads over and over again along with friends despite the hot burning sun was sublime! Sometimes races turned ugly when one of the lot would fall down and hurt themselves. That would never deter us though from regrouping and utilizing the full value of the Re.1 spent!
Heman toys / Trade Games / Crazy Ball / Glow worm - Collection of Heman toys and stickers was a much sought after activity. G I Joe was another character that was popular! Long-winding trade games that went on for hours during summer holidays were widely anticipated events. To ensure we continued over multiple days, we even wrote down the exact status in our notebooks! The crazy ball that bounces in various angles and a glow worm that used to shine in the night were popular too, the latter specially amongst girls. Last but not the least, 3 - 5 hours of cricket (underarm / overarm / bowling etc.) were a standard feature every day, be it holidays or otherwise!
Tinkle / Tintin Comics - Those were the days of no internet and no Cartoon Network. So, Tinkle comics and Amar Chitra Katha ruled the roost. Phantom and Mandrake were also extremely popular amongst the boys. The good / bad ring and the charm of Xanadu are still not lost on me! Tintin and Asterix, borrowed for Rs. 2 from the lending library were even greater fun on account of their highly engaging stories. To this date, it is pretty expensive to own a Tintin or an Asterix comic book! The "Famous Five" and "Secret 7" were reserved for the only-English speaking dudes!
Writing with an 'ink' pen - Class 5 exposed us to an ink pen. Initially, stained fingers and shirts were painful to look at. But these signified the coming of age of us as students. We would look down on Class 4 students as if they were very junior compared to us. Ball-point pens were typically frowned upon by teachers. In this current computer age, it is sad that even writing with anything has become a such a rarity!
Camlin or Natraj Geometry box - Owning a Camlin or a Natraj geometry box, that too a fully-loaded one with Steadler pencils, a white eraser, a sharpener and all the geometry instruments shining without any rust, was a moment of pride. No one ever knew when a divider would ever be used but the compass and protracter were absolute necessities. It is another thing that Camlin was Aishwarya Rai's first ad shoot when she was in school!
Distributing chocolates on birthdays - This is probably an activity that continues to this day in schools, but dressing up in something outside of uniforms and distributing chocolates was a much anticipated activity, not just for the one whose birthday it was, but for the other children in school as well. The type of chocolate - whether it was an Eclairs, or a 'Try Me', or a 'Melody' typically signified social standing and willingness to incur expenditure on birthdays. Cadbury's 5 Rs. 'Dairy Milk' chocolates were reserved for the rich kids.

Well, writing about these does make me feel a lot younger when I visualize m. But it also makes me think I have grown so much older now since it looks like ages back when I was in school! It still is any day worth it just to think of these! We, or even our next generation, may never get to experience the same, but if only we could have a way to revisit the past, it would be fun!

Any more such moments, do add them in the comments...

Top 10 indications of the recession in your office

2009-02-10T23:29:00.006+05:30

Your office toilet has extremely thin or hardly any tissue paper.
On your salary slip, the denomination is in “Paise”. And just to keep you in check now and then, the salary slip is pink in color.
People start disappearing from your office and you are told that they have taken a long sabbatical for various reasons.
Those remaining are asked to share seating space and computers to improve teamwork and bonding.
When their seating time is over, they double up as office boys and security.
Conference rooms are let out on rent
The smell in your office is different. It is the effect of a combo of no air-conditioning, absence of air-spray in the office and absence of deo sprays at your colleagues’ homes.
Food items in the canteen are served in ice-cream bowls, coffee is limited to 1 per person and resembles a tequila shot in size.
Office cabs look similar to those stunt vehicles where 20 are packed inside one Maruti car.
To escape the rot, you log into the top job sites and you are greeted with a perennial message “Site under maintenance”, while the business newspapers start carrying obituary and crossword puzzles instead of the jobs supplement.

Any more such signs, please feel free to add in the comments section!

Long live paunches!

2009-01-08T22:33:00.005+05:30

It is that time of the year when everyone makes resolutions. I did too. And one of my new-year resolutions was to do away with my paunch. But coming to think of it, I am seriously reconsidering this resolution. Paunches are so in! They are a sign of prosperity, of holistic and well-rounded development in all spheres of life.

Here are 10 reasons why I think they are a man’s best friend…

My paunch is the first thing that I see on waking up, without having to move a muscle. Lying down, you open your eyes and there it is - like a mountain behind which the sun rises. The last thing you probably see before you sleep is also the same paunch.
It makes traveling in crowded buses much easier. Standing on your two feet, you can do a circular movement like that of a pencil on a drawing compass. You clear away all the people who are cramming you for space. And thus, have all the place to yourself…
The paunch acts as a good sensing device since it goes to all places well before you yourself do. With time, you can understand its sensing power and evade those people that you may not want to meet.
Big paunches are generally accompanied by reasonably big rear sides as well. However, since the paunch greets people first, it takes away their focus completely. Jokes on your front are typically more appreciated than those behind your back! (pun intended)
You can stuff a lot of items into your paunch for meetings without people doubting that you have done so. That chips packet, that gaming device, the music player, the small chess-board etc. that you always wanted to carry into the meeting room to keep you occupied are well within your grasp. People cannot notice a 2” difference in a 48” waist. They can, on a 32” one.
It acts as an adjustable pillow for your wife. Olden-days romance involved the spouse lying down on the husband’s thigh and singing a song. New-age romance calls for the husband’s paunch to be the adjustable pillow for the wife to have a comforting nap.
When it gets too boring, the paunch acts as your complete gaming device. You can place small objects from spinning tops to marbles and coins and watch their Brownian motion by altering the contours of your paunch. If not guided well, some may come and hit you on your face. Others may go hit you on other parts below…
The paunch is a great percussion instrument for an orchestra. The bigger it is, the better the sounds that it emanates on tapping it at its various locations. There are some paunches that can generate even more variations than a ghatam or a tabla!
Mosquitoes get completely fooled. They think that they can attack you but the multiple layers of padding make it far tougher for them to penetrate through. In desperation, they typically fly away for leaner and greener pastures!
Last but not the least, if you are ever in a soup with the traffic police or the police, you can escape scot-free. They would consider you one of their kind. The paunch is the great unifying factor. So you can rest easy in life.

More instances where the paunch acts as a great friend for mankind are appreciated in the comments section of this post!

(Disclaimer: It may not be in the best interests of your health unfortunately :( )

a very happy 2009

2009-01-01T19:19:00.001+05:30

another year went past really fast,
some events aghast while some do well to last.
mumbai attack pix terror and daily life mix.
lehman goes for a six congress left in a fix.
kumble and ganguly down dhoni got the crown,
obama made america his own india got the ifone.
lets forget the old wine, let the new year shine
to you and your family all things fine, a very happy 2009!

Thank you Anil Kumble...

2008-11-02T23:32:00.010+05:30

One of the legends of the game retired today. Anil Kumble, take a bow! You truly are one of Indian cricket's gems. For the last 18 years, you have been instrumental in providing some of India's finest moments in cricket. You will certainly be missed a lot... Having watched you for a good part of the last two decades, I just thought I should thank you in the only way I could think of - on my blog! And not without reason...

You made millions of Indians get back the faith that their team could win. Right from the time the demoralized team came back home in 1992-93' to face England, you have injected the team with the necessary confidence to win. The thumping series win against England was just the start of many series wins at home... In ODIs as well as tests...
You were one of the key reasons why India became a tiger at home! Sure, the 4 batting stalwarts of India scored tons of runs. But we needed someone to take 10 wickets every inning. And 20 wickets in the match. And you sure took the first statement to heart, when you bagged all ten against Pakistan in the same venue that would become your last as well... Not one in the 10 test playing nations has been spared of your tremendous effect...
You have infused terror in the minds of many an opponent batsman. And made them sit up and take notice of a thin tall bespectacled man who could only bowl straight balls without an iota of turn. Yes, so many were apprehensive on how long you would last with that one delivery. But you put paid to all their doubts by sending back batsmen 600 times in test cricket with literally that one single type of ball...
Your amazing energy to bowl at the stumps even in your fiftieth over in the inning is just awesome - as Steve Waugh once famously said, the batsman can never rest when you are bowling to them because they know if they miss, you hit the stump or the pad...We sure knew we could expect you to always be tight and bowl a deadly line and length at any point in the match.
Your child-like glee when you get someone out with your rare googly, or when you specially position VVS in a second wide slip for that leading edge to be caught, made the layman viewer emotionally attached to your every single move on the field.
You gave us the lighter moments too. We know you don't like fielding as much as your bowling. (But for that matter, just one or two people in the Indian team ever took to fielding properly!) The way you dived at the ball only to let it always pass, or the way you run towards the ball only to raise your hand to warn the fielder in the deep that it is inevitably coming to him... These are mannerisms that have sure lightened our cricket watching!
But you were a lot more adept at batting to save India the blushes quite a few times! With an exaggerated forward movement even to the fastest of bowlers... Specially when you made that fighting half century against South Africa in Eden Gardens along with Azhar, or when you stuck around with Srinath to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat against Australia in the tri-nation prelims, or the time you struck your first hundred against England last year... Or even the fighting 40 to take India past 600 in your last test match...
Not resting on your laurels at home, you finally proved your detractors wrong by wrecking havoc overseas as well. You were instrumental in our away wins too, and thus kicked all your detractors in the butt! Though Dravid did get the most of the honours for the wins deservedly, somewhere unsung were your contributions to that series win in Windies, or the great Adelaide win in Australia or even the last test series win in England.
Your passion for cricket, and your unflinching resolve to try and take wickets probably of every ball. More importantly, every time you had the ball in your hand, you made India believe you could get a wicket, no matter what the match situation was... Or who the batsman was... Just that impending feeling of the opponents getting out caught to Dravid at silly point or getting plumb in front or seeing their middle stump knocked off, gave sheer delight to the millions of Indian cricket fans...
Your never say die spirit needs to be embodied in every single Indian cricketer. With a bandaged jaw, you came back and took Brian Lara's wicket in a test at West Indies. And even in the last test match, with 11 stitches on your left hand and visible pain on your face, you ran back all the way to take a fantastic catch to dismiss the last man... These are qualities that Indians don't normally see even in the other great cricketers of this era who prefer to sit inside the dressing room with the slightest of injuries.
Above all, you have been a gentleman in this era of the over-the-top Harbhajans and the perennially vocal Australians. A gentleman, and a thorough professional. Be it when you were a player, or when you were the captain. And the game of cricket needed people like you to balance out the ruffians in the game...

Hats off to you Kumble, please do take a well deserved rest now. And let all of us hope the next generation of spinners has at least one of your kind... Some day maybe...

Rock on is classy...

2008-08-30T19:14:00.007+05:30

Last evening, I had a chance to rock on. I have tried to provide an "unbiased" view of the movie! Rest is left to your choice...

Five reasons why you should watch the movie...

It depicts life realistically - {WARNING: Too many life fundas to follow} All things do not have fairy tale endings. Everyone houses an element of nostalgia in a corner of their minds, which they either keep thinking about or consciously do not want to be reminded of. People have various dreams but a majority of them fine-tune themselves to reality and customize their life and work with the opportunities around them. Life does sometimes give a feeble second chance, it is left to the individuals to seize the opportunity. There are impulse decisions that people take, which the individual's ego would never agree is wrong, but over time, some just get over it. And as the various characters in the movie keep saying every now and then, "Everyone compromises on something or the other"
The class and the consistency is amazing- There are various aspects of a typical movie that keep fluctuating over time as the movie progresses, and you start wondering whether something changed in terms of the people involved in making the movie. For once, you just feel that you actually watched one whole coherent movie. You may think its a bit slow. You may think that the colors are a bit rustic. You may feel that the dialogues are short. You may think there are not much expressions from anyone. You may even feel its very predictable. And still you are completely OK with all of it. Because it actually feels like one whole movie. And you really want more of the movie. You want to see the actors reunite. You want to hear the songs. You are so much part of it. For once, you dont care about anything else that belongs to the glossier aspects of film making. And you just feel at the end of it, there should be more such classy Indian movies made.
A casting coup - There is not a film in recent times where the characters fitted their roles so well. Be it the 4 leading gents, or the ladies, a lot of thought has been given in finding the artists that would bring out the emotions in tune with the overall feel of the movie, yet would not give you the feeling that someone overacted or underplayed their roles. And the camera has captured their moods and their characters excellently. The hidden emotions of Farhan, the miniature expressions of the soap opera star Prachi, the helplessness of Arjun Rampal, the anxiety of his wife, the lighter mood of Purab and the burning nostalgia of Luke. Each and every character has been given due importance in some form or the other. You feel that even the smallest of roles, including Jo's kid and mom, and the tea stall owner have been so well thought out.
'Don't get too senti' - Just as KD tells his friends during the movie, the user also need not get too senti at any point of the movie. There is not one moment that goes over the top. There are certainly various instances along the movie where you would feel a slight lump in your throat. But the movie just moves on, without letting the characters, or the viewer get too sentimental. This way, it is so different from other Hindi movies where one of the two has to happen to engage the user.
The music works like magic - Shankar, Ehsaan and Loy have just eclipsed all else. Letting a new singer (Farhan) sing 5 songs may have been the biggest risk of their career, but its paid off so well. Every car and every radio channel should be soon playing Socha Hai, Sindbad the Sailor and the title track... A guy who has no clue about Rock Music as such would still be able to tap their feet to the songs. They dont even need to understand the lyrics (which should give even more fun apparently). And without hearing the songs beforehand, you would still enjoy them the very first time - thats a rare thing for any song!

Now, to complete the review, lets look at 5 reasons why you should not watch the movie...

You don't like to watch movies
You don't like to listen to good music
You are over the age of 80 and it becomes very difficult to follow anything that goes on around you
You are so damn lazy that you can't move your butt to the theatre (don't watch this one in a pirated CD, save that for the other 4 - 5 bollywood films that released y'day)
You are a language fanatic and cannot go and watch Bollywood movies that have English titles

I am finishing up this post with the music of the movie blasting away to glory in the background. Just to sum up, go watch the movie without thinking too much. Do the thinking after watching it...

A visit to the gym

2008-07-03T03:01:00.004+05:30

One of the latest experiments that I have undertaken in life is going to the gym. I certainly don’t want any of those mighty muscles or the perfect man-body that a majority of the enthusiastic gym-goers want! All I want is to be able to continue to eat my ice-creams and sweets without having to change my wardrobe too often on account of an increasing waist-size. Of late, I have also been finding it very difficult to be able to hunt for Triple XL T-Shirts.

Starting off to the gym in itself is a very time-consuming process. I have to first go past the millions of reasons thrown up by the logical mind that resides on top of my completely inertial body, to skip the gym visit. Reasons can include existing or impending imaginary body aches, anticipated long overnight office work, over-due house chores given by my madam and such. Once the mind wades through these, there is the physical inertia itself that has to be won over. Bangalore traffic is just the last hurdle that the already under-motivated soul wants to surpass.

After chugging along in my vehicle at a snail’s pace, I come face to face with the walls of the esteemed sweat-shop. Having a café or a pastry vendor in the vicinity of a gym is one of the most miserable punishments that can be meted out to gym-visitors. Having the gym on the 2nd floor without a working lift just about manages to beat that.

As I enter the building, the high-decibel sound of loud English music can be heard well and clear. For a person like me who cannot typically differentiate between one fast English number and another, memories of Cacafonix from the Asterix comics series flash up. I yearn for a good fast dappaanguthu Tamil song or even a fast Bhangra number. But sorry – those are a strict 'No-No' in this modern machine godown.

A quick glance on entry shows the many different faces of the men and women around. . A gym is a very good example of a true melting pot. You have people from various cultures, economic backgrounds, occupations that visit it. Actually who am I kidding!? – you either have filthy rich people or jobless software folks who get a free pass from their company to enroll.

Of course the one diversity amongst the people is the size of their paunches. It can be as little as that of Hritik Roshan or as bulging as that of a local policeman after a nice dinner. In addition, the depth of sagging man breasts (phrase courtesy Chandler from Friends) is also a good indicator of the varied type of folks around.

A third category of diversity is what I call the amount of ‘pseud-ness’ that can be attributed to someone. On one end of this pseud-ness factor are the total fruits (like me) who just troop in silently and do some minimal cardio exercises for unimaginable satisfaction. On the other end are the highly sophisticated “dudes” (or show-offs) who consider their daily gym visit very close to a fun-filled excursion to “dream-land”. Words in Tamil that serve as alternatives for these dudes include bandha / filim parties.

These dudes have a burning rage inside them to show off their prowess to one and all in the gym. They can be very easily spotted though - one or more of the following features will identify them in a jiffy!

Dudes have a hi-funda headphone set on their heads all the time. God alone knows whether they are secretly taking English lessons on those to impress the opposite sex with their firangi accent. Fruits only have the burden of the approaching drill on top of their heads.
Dudes have a fancy bottle of water all to themselves, while fruits usually use those small disheveled paper cups next to the water dispenser
Even if the device was not used before, dudes ask the helper folks to spray, rub and clean the device as if they were giving it a Kerala massage
Dudes would be watching VH1 or Zee Studio or Wimbledon on Star Sports on their personal TV screens, while fruits typically favor regional channels or even Srilanka – Bangla cricket matches
Dudes would usually hog the device for at least a 30 minute period at a stretch at the highest possible speed of performing the routine while fruits take a prolonged break after around 5 - 6 minutes of continuously slow activity.
Last but not the least, compared to the silent fruits who avoid the instructors, the dudes make it a point to talk to all the gym instructors to prove that they literally own the place.

Of course, that is when the gym instructors are not busy talking to the handful of females who come to the gym. Females can broadly be classified into the above categories too. However, there is a third category here that does the highly musical soft-tone coochy-coo talking to the instructors for God knows why. Apparently, the number of pre-marriage last minute visitors amongst the fairer sex has dramatically increased, though it is still way off from such numbers for the male breed.

One thing I always notice in the gym – I typically run into someone that I know either from office or from a previous company or college… If they are regular visitors to the gym, questions on how long I have been visiting the gym pop up. To ensure that my morale is not affected, I typically give a highly elongated figure on the number of months I have been ‘slogging’ it out. Prior questions on when the other person visits the gym go a long way in helping me come up with a suitable answer. If they are regular evening visitors, I position myself as a recent convert to evening visits after over a year of morning visits. And vice-versa! If my paunch size is revealing the fact that I have not set foot on the gym for a long time, I take a deep paunch-hiding breath before I talk to them.

Once the talking is done, I start diverting my mind to the original purpose of my visit – some calorie burning sweat generating physical labor. A couple of lazy floor exercises act as fillers till someone vacates one of those fancy machines. These floor exercises have to be done very carefully, else you are most likely to encounter a nearby gadget with your stretched arm or some floor-exercise performer’s neck with your leg.

As I take my position on the treadmill, I think about the approaching painful endeavor of trying to cook up a sweat. Not often would anyone be as enthusiastic about producing sweat as they would be inside a gym. And ‘calorie’ here is the other magic word. The sweat is a great measure of your success at burning those targeted calories. You start wandering within the confines of the 2 ft X 4 ft. treadmill floor in the hope that the magic figure of 100 calories would be reached soon. After varying activities that include walking, jogging, crawling and standing still, over a time period that makes the HAHK movie look brief, I am completely excited to see the calorie figure inch its way towards 100.

The smile re-emerges. A feeling of having achieved something finally… That light at the end of the tunnel… In the moment of delight, I continue for a couple of more minutes and reach somewhere around 110 Cals. Wow! The apex of achievement!

At the pinnacle of my satisfaction, I turn to the next guy with a look of disdain on my face to see how many calories he has managed to burn. A casual look at that meter is all it takes – to come down from the fanciful pedestal of attainment to the abysmal depths of reality. When I see that calorie number close to 450, I start getting second thoughts on whether God was intending to be cruel to me today.

That is the moment when I become all philosophical and start thinking about the meaning of life and whether one needs to take oneself so seriously. As I grudgingly move my body down the two floors back to my vehicle, a fight between the good thoughts and the gym routine start playing up inside my head. A thought on the dinner awaiting me back home is the only redeeming factor in the whole episode. After all, I do need to eat well to give strength to the body to visit the gym tomorrow…

And the story continues… Forever…

Remembering the fun posts from my IT Services days!

2008-06-26T01:14:00.005+05:30

An article today in IBN talks about the raining money in IT, giving Infosys appraisals and bonuses as an example. Not so long ago (in fact just over 4 months!), I was working in the IT Services area myself! It reminded me of those good old days :) Its too late in the night, hence I am not going to write a blog post on it. I am just using this opportunity to link out to some of the best pieces (personal opinion!) of my blogs last year.

Some may consider it adult humour, others may think of it as an innocent conversation during a couple's first night...
India is doing very well in cricket nowadays. Not so long ago (remember World Cup 07!?), they were performing pathetically. An article wondering what if the Indian cricket team was part of the IT Services industry.
If you feel people around you are not giving you your due importance, what are the 10 gimmicks you can do to make yourself act important.
If you have been in the IT industry for sometime now, there is no way in the world you would have NOT gone onsite. Typical characteristics of an onsite return...
You interface with so many people from many different walks of life. What must these people be thinking on your sick practices and habits...

I actually quite like the last post and reminded of the different people I face in this industry, actually any industry. So maybe, I shall write a blog post dedicated to these folks sometime soon.

A typical South Indian dinner at the in-laws place

2008-06-19T01:25:00.004+05:30

Sunday evenings are typically reserved for visits to the in-laws place. My entry is treated like that of a king entering his mansion. As soon as I come in, I suddenly experience a never-before felt cool breeze in the peak summer of Chennai, courtesy a couple of ACs which get switched on when I set foot out of my own house!

Soon after arrival, the madam goes into the kitchen to talk to her mom while I start a conversation with dad-in-law on various topics including but not limited to health, wealth, career etc. Discussions typically veer towards what is going on currently on the TV channel that is presently being watched.

After sometime, tiny sounds (generally heard as “kada-muda”) from my stomach act as alarm bells to the in-laws. These are sounds of the type that are heard from the stomach of a person implicitly starving for a long time in anticipation of a feast; sounds that happen after the feast are reserved for later. A cup filled with three gulab jamuns comes flying at me like a tracer-bullet (word copyright expert commentator Mr. Ravi Shastri)

Thoughts of the word “diet” that had so eagerly arrived on my mind a couple of days back slowly start dissolving in the sugar syrup that surrounds the three large-sized gulab jamuns. Any word of refusal immediately raises eyebrows and low decibel conversations between mom-in-law and my madam asking whether hubby has developed sugar trouble. To ward off any such thoughts, the jamuns are gulped down the throat at the pace they came at. Here, some amount of caution needs to be exercised. If the speed of gulping down is too fast, more jamuns fill up the cup in no time. If it is too slow, frequent voices from inside the kitchen to finish off the sweet-dish interrupt your TV viewing.

Once the sweet dish is over and done with, the TV viewing typically continues for around 3.5 to 4 minutes (basically for the next set of items to get heated inside the kitchen). Then, there is a call for dinner. As I slowly tread towards the dining room, a large table awaits me and the madam. In the center of the table are three dishes that stare at me gleefully with ‘high cholesterol’ written all over them – urulai (potato) roast, fried pappads, and vethakozhambu (tough to explain – in short, a south Indian spicier dish similar to sambhar)

Nice shiny stainless-steel plates, resembling those carrying unlimited extra-jumbo meals in Saravana Bhavan, are placed in front of me. An additional sweet-dish (typically rava kesari or halwa) is served in line with the “start-with-a-sweet-dish” sentiment. Then lands a big mass of white rice: measures such as removing the plate away and use of force to hold up extra servings of rice are outright rejected. Typically, half the plate is filled with rice before you can realize what is happening. The other half is reserved for the aforementioned side-dishes.

A spoon with an extra large capacity to hold the dripping nei (ghee) gently passes over my plate. Within half a second, the white mass of rice is nicely soaked in the same ghee. Then land litres of vetha-kozhambu, and tons of urulai roast and fried pappads.

My History class in school would have ended sooner than the rice in my plate. Mammoth efforts to eat the food seem to all go to waste as I witness a never-ending supply of items in my plate. Desperate measures such as loosening my pant-belt and talking while eating (to let the ingested food digest) seem to just be desperate gimmicks without any success.

When finally I do manage to just about finish the rice on my plate, more rice, first with rasam and then with the customary curd / butter-milk (thayir-saadam) follow in equal quantities with even more side-dishes that literally seem to pop out of hidden corners in the kitchen. My concealing tactics are greatly tested here as I try hiding unfinished portions of the food under half-eaten pappads and potato chips. In parallel, I am constantly reminded of the weight I have lost over the last few weeks (the weighing machine always has a different opinion here) and how I should eat a lot more.

Eventually, after what seems like a patient Dravid inning, it is time to get up and wash my hands. It is not a good practice to meander on at the eating spot without washing one’s hands. But when the food is fully present uptil your throat and your pant belt is not the way it is supposed to be, you really do not have a choice. The 3 meter distance to the wash basin seems like that last mile for the completely exhausted marathon runner.

As I put in that last ditch effort to get up, there lands a plate of freshly sliced banganapalli mangoes. At this point, I cannot even open my mouth to talk, leave alone voice any denial. As the smooth and silky mango slices slowly but surely find their way through the food maze into my stomach, I more or less start thinking on when I am going to regain my capacity to talk and walk!

After the finger-bowl style washing process, I manage to get up, go and sit in front of the TV. As I try to muster up a smile and a nod of the head in response to every question, one can hear appreciation on how the son-in-law is such a nice silent guy. I very silently thank the food that is sitting right till my throat for the gentle remark.

According to our traditional Tamil culture, a glass of milk is essential to round off the day* (see footnote for explanation). At this point, you have totally lost all control of what gets into your system. The milk manages to find its way through the mouth of a half-conscious me. I have already started thinking on whether I would fit into my car door on the way back home and whether the car will be able to take the extra load. After the customary good night and the promise to come same time next week for an even better dinner with more items (like they do usually for next-week show announcements on TV), I walk in a trance towards my car, guided by the madam.

As soon as I get into the car with the madam, thoughts about the impending diet for the coming week to compensate for this food start afresh in my mind…

* - No references of any kind whatsoever exist

Oh Dear God (Kamal)

2008-06-15T13:36:00.004+05:30

Thank you for being born in this world as an actor. You are one of the world’s best acting universities. To stop kindergarten children from writing big essays about your worth in your latest movie, I suggest you implement the following 5 commandments in your movies going forward.

Please do not do complex subjects based on stuff such as chaos theory, butterfly effect, existence of God, weapons of mass destruction, etc. Most of our audience may not understand such stuff, and the movie ends before the average film-goer realizes the various nuances and how you have tied all loose ends up.
Don’t bother to do your roles to such perfection. The problem that arises out of it is that people think that it is 10 different people who are doing these roles, and then, the film becomes bland. In an era where people can’t make double roles look different from each other, doing it 10 roles with such precision to detail may make people think it cannot be the same person.
Subtle humor it seems is not the order of the day. If you keep doing Panchatantiram and Sathi Leelavathi type of movies, people start expecting Crazy Mohan type dialogues even in Anbe Sivam maybe.
Please use well-done songs (and a lot of them) in the most meaningless of places in the movie to help disrupt the flow of the movie. It seems that underplayed songs that merge with the story are not the order of the day.
Do not use computer graphics in your movies – people will start comparing you to Hollywood graphics. They don’t understand that such movies are made with budgets ranging typically in the Rs. 200 Crores range. They won’t compare you with other Tamil movies where nothing else in the same scale was ever done.

Last but not the least, on a serious note, I do hope that your next film will not see you in any make-up since the expressions on your face go for a toss with all the make-up involved.

All Rash Abuses

2008-03-06T10:28:00.002+05:30

God, it was a really bad day for me.

I started the morning very late. Hence I could not even take a bath. Unshaven, I took the bus to office. It was crowded and hence I was sweating and smelling bad. I reached office and immediately caught a very bad cold. I was not able to breathe properly and started making puffing and panting sounds that one may consider irritating even if they were the ones contributing to them! The guy sitting in the next cubicle had a hard time, hence he was mumbling something to himself – I was already pretty irritated. I made faces at him and asked him to politely go and attend to other freaking duties. The effect of the missed bath had started spreading to my various areas and I had started itching bad. One hand on my nose, another hand on different parts of the body, a vaguely sounding voice and a twitching face - In utter desperation, I uttered to myself “Oh God! Please give me Than ki shakti, Man ki shakti to bear this pain”…

I returned home and slept thinking that the worst was over, until I came back to office the next day.

My company sued me on 6 counts of racism towards Andrew Symonds and I am now facing so many law suits…

When I go to office tomorrow, I fear they will pull my hair, remove my badge and sing farewell to me…

Best wishes for a great new year

2008-01-01T14:41:00.001+05:30

Wishes to one and all for a great new year. Here's my new year creation with my usual sense of pathetic rhyme :-) Enjoy!

Two thousand seven, for some it was heaven,
for others a demon, its time to enliven...
Time to rewind, and look back at the grind,
request you to be kind, the silly rhyme you should not mind...

Saurav back, World Cup whack, T20 hack, Dravid sack...
Modi win, BJP grin, Karat din, Manmohan sin...
Sivaji hit, OSO fit, Saawariya bit, RGV ki Aag $hit...
Stocks boom, retail dhoom, IT gloom, dollar doom...

Time to look ahead, Forget what was said,
Just wake up from your bed, lead your life in good stead...
Two thousand eight, let there be splendid fate,
With results first rate, enjoy it well mate...

P.S: I have a long list of 2008 resolutions. I know resolutions are there to break the next day! Let me see how long the blogging regularly resolutions lasts!

If ever there is a GPhone, I would want...

2007-11-13T07:28:00.001+05:30

Over the last two to three weeks, there has been increasing coverage of the various moves being unleashed by Google, Microsoft, Facebook and the likes. One of those that clearly stand out in this is the new “Android” API that Google has introduced for all cell phone operators and application developers to develop seamless applications on the mobile platform. That effectively meant that there would not be a GPhone as hoped by many.

I just imagined what I could have got if only there was a GPhone in the offing. Imagination was curtailed to the extent that I did not think about too many fancy applications like these…

I don’t want a GPhone, I want a GEM – OK. Let me explain better. A Gem stands for a Google emblem. And phone may / may not be just a part of it. Think something like an iPhone / SideKick / Blackberry. But not just limited to what Apple decides to put into their iPhone. It should be a truly democratic phone and there should be an ability to add on stuff (explained in the next point). Features that certainly should be supported right from beta include the basic phone, net browsing, camera, mp3 player, video, Bluetooth, gaming controls, qwerty keyboard, trackball, expandable memory, radio etc. with a couple of USB ports.
I want a configurable Gem – Now comes the interesting part. I want to be able to choose what I want in my Gem. Currently even though I may not want a camera as part of my phone, I am forced to buy my phone with it since only such phones have the additional features I need. I want to be able to just plug and play these devices and configure my own phone. So if I need a camera, I will go for it and plug that in. If I need audio / video capabilities, I will plug that in and pay more for it. It is similar in case of a qwerty keyboard / net browsing capability etc. This is surely possible for the brilliant Google designers and engineers!
I want complete mobility – EDGE / UMTS / ABCDE etc. Oh God I don’t want to hear any more technical jargons on what a phone supports and what not. Majority of the more than 2 billion that may probably own a phone don’t care about that. They may just may want internet browsing for example. And the Gem should certainly provide that feature irrespective of what the network supports or what a physical location supports (as long as it supports something!). Speeds may vary but the feature should be there and should not be insanely expensive as it is right now with better support and usage.
I want to do things that can be done on a small screen– I don’t want to read an entire newspaper on my phone. I just want the summary of the news. Similarly, I don’t really want to play fast action games on such a small screen but I may want to play some classic games from the N32/64/Sega or Carmen Sandiego/Mario era. And I don’t want to keep downloading them from a million sites. I just want one place or better still, let them come by default maybe at some price. Google should start certainly looking at a better conduit for small-screen related content instead of just exposing the not so literate user to the big wide world from Google search results and sponsored links! Search can be considered a digression and I dont want to be searching all the time through a small screen device.
I want my Gem to be the God of all things – In the long term, I would look at my Gem to be the all in one device to just connect to my monitor and look at the whole thing on a bigger screen (and the OS senses that and fine-tunes the display). I don’t need any operating system if I am in this mode, all the apps that I need – mail, docs, spreadsheets, browser, media player, messenger are already there inside the phone. In a similar fashion, you can expect the Gem to be the controlling device for your TV to get cable, satellite and internet videos all delivered. You can even look at your TV as a large screen device to play bigger and better games off your Gem. The Gem should also connect to maybe Bose speakers to play crystal clear music. The Gem becomes the all in one device with its connectivity and expandable memory. Other devices just connect and amplify!

Google’s motto is to “Don't be evil”. Hence I am implicitly assuming that connectivity across multiple systems such as live / yahoo as well as various different social networks like facebook / myspace / bebo etc. are all covered in addition to whatever I have mentioned above… Given the Google push, the Android platform will obviously provide choices for web browsers / other applications and the likes and it would be survival of the fittest then for sure – so the best would win.

It certainly is worth waiting for this Gem of a device, if and when it arrives…

O(h) So Much Hype...

2007-11-12T06:35:00.001+05:30

On Saturday, I went and watched the most hyped film of our times – Om Shanti Om. I can now stand up and shout out to the world with my 1.5 pack paunch that it is the biggest and brightest film ever made in our country.

All the actors have put in their best performances to date for this movie. Special mention must go to Arjun Rampal, who has done one of his best roles of his career as a villain. Credit must go to the director Farah Khan for the way she has mastered her resources – including the tons of superstars, each of whom have made their presence felt. Comedy is awesome and this movie will make you keep laughing all the way. Of course, the movie has good doses of action, romance and sentiment as well to make it one solid pot-boiler for all ages to enjoy. Last but not the least, Shah Rukh is the king of the Indian cinema and his six pack abs and his humdinger of a performance proves that he is our No. 1 superstar.

Oops. Just because of the hype surrounding the movie and its reviews elsewhere, I got a bit carried away. Let me cut the crap and talk about ground reality…

The film is a completely ordinary effort. As regards the story, I am not even getting into any discussion on logic – you really cannot hope to have one where the movie starts with reincarnation and goes on to end as a ghost story. Just a couple of twists does not make an engaging storyline. Arjun Rampal has maintained his same expressionless dead face throughout the movie – the biggest advantage that he has here is that he is playing the villain and is thus able to pass off as a great performance. As regards Farah, there is absolutely no single point in the movie that has the stand-out touch of the director – it is just too normal and usual in everything. As for the tons of stars, they all could get their dancing parts long enough thanks to the super-long song in the second half that just went on and on. Except for the Sonu Nigam song, all other songs have been picturized and choreographed in an extremely ordinary manner – something that you might have thought could be one stand-out feature of such a big movie, being directed by a renowned dancer. The main climax song is not even worth humming and hence loses its complete tempo. There are three isolated pieces of good comedy – the 70s spoof and the fight sequence in the first half and the awards in the second half but that’s about it. Rest of it hardly has anything close to comedy. Action, sentiment and romance are non-existent in the movie. As for Shah Rukh, for the star he is supposed to be, there is hardly a single scene that is enterprising or brings out the star in him. Acting-wise, I am sure he did not move a muscle. It is good that his hamming has reduced – that may be because there were probably not too many scenes where he needed to; wherever he did need to, he made people believe that over-acting was part and parcel of this role.

All things said – it is still a reasonable time-pass of a movie. It can be watched once. And I certainly did like the red carpet welcome once again for all of the technicians behind the screen. Deepika, Shreyas and Kiron Kher have provided good performances – Deepika and Shreyas’s being measured ones as lover and friend respectively, while Kiron’s being the over-the-top cinematic mother. However, this movie is nowhere near the ratings and the hype created by the producers and the media’s so called critical reviewers. Even in terms of repeat value, probably a Main Hoon Na would fare better than this one on each and every single count – good songs, fast action, persistent comedy, true sentiment, rich locales, attractive choreo, eye-soothing cinematography or a fitting storyline that merges all pieces together…

One fact is proved - Marketing and hype do certainly work to make something ordinary look really amazing. Six-pack abs and the likes of seeing Zayed Khan, Aftab and Sunil Shetty in a song captures the attention of all viewers! One fails to however understand as to how it has b(r)ought into the minds of the so called great reviewers…

Solve these S/W - real life case studies

2007-11-07T22:04:00.001+05:30

You are in an interview to get into your favourite IT services company… Imagine you are thrown these small caselets at you, and asked to respond on how you will tackle such real life scenarios. Do not despair! Since our surrounding environment has so many examples to solve these…

The easier ones…
Case 1: You have planned for a vacation with friends to Goa. Your manager does not sanction your leave – so you call for a strike. However the management has strictly said no to any strike. How can you ensure you get across your point without initiating a strike?

Case 2: You are the technical architect in a large project which has just won an award. In an interview to your internal magazone, you inadvertently say that the project leaders didn’t know or do anything and the team contributed to the success. True as it may be, the managers decide to sack you for this. What do you do to save your face and **s in this case?

Case 3: You were having a nice time as a project leader doing nothing. However, your project is nearing completion and you need to shift into another project, this time however as a resource under someone you don’t like. How would you evade this scenario?

Difficult ones… (Need more innovative thinking)
Case 4: You have been developing a module as part of a reasonably good project. However you feel it is going nowhere. You are attracted to another bigger project and want to latch on to that. How would you do it without injuring your reputation in the eyes of the public?

Case 5: You are an average worker in your company. You realize that salary hikes have slowed down considerably. You really want a bad salary hike since you had promised yourself a car for this year. No other company is going to offer you a job. What do you do?

Case 6: You are the module leader for a very important module of a big project. You are bored for sometime now and don’t feel that too many people are giving importance to what you say or do. To make sure you get some immediate attention on yourself, what do you do?

Please feel free to post your answers in the comments section. Answers basically should reference real life scenarios (either from politics or sports or cinema) surrounding you in India…

If only India had daylight savings time...

2007-10-28T07:21:00.001+05:30

Today, as I sit at a vague time of 3:00 am in the night on my computer, I experienced something unusual – the clock on the Windows tray turning back to 2:00 am on its own even though it had reached 3:00 am. Of course, this was the end of the daylight savings time here in Europe. We were reverting back by 1 hour to normal time. This now means that we are 4.5 hours behind India instead of 3.5 hours… The biggest benefit for now is that I get 1 extra hour of sleep on the weekend!

However, I was just wondering how this 1 extra hour would be of such great benefit though for us back in India… Here is a look at the tremendous benefits it offers to a wide cross-section of people…

Our politicians – The junior Gowda who had in the evening agreed to support the Janata Dal, decided to create the 50th twist in the whole (a)pisode. He is in talks with esteemed madam Mrs. Sonia Gandhi Jee to share power at the center in return for supporting a Congress govt. at the state level. Mrs. Sonia Jee in the meantime has given 7 more instructions in the additional hour for Mr. Manmohan Singh to carry out. In parallel in Gujarat, somewhere in collusion with the same people who were exposed on the Tehelka video, Mr. Narendra Modi is trying to figure out more means to block all access to the entire internet, print media and radio so that the Tehelka expose does not reach his people.
Our film personalities – 5 more trailers of Om Shanti Om were shown on around 25 different channels thus increasing the number of total impressions by 125 and the effective headcount of the mega marketing reach by around 2.5 people. The Big B meanwhile has signed up for 5 more brands to advertise this year, having had to compensate for giving up his claim on the farm land.
Our sports heroes – Current captain M S Dhoni has once again managed to get a new haircut – this time a 70s style haircut aka Shah Rukh in OSO, to woo model turned actresses who act as 70s stars. At the same time, ex-captain Dravid is utilizing the 1 hour for figuring out how the fortunes have completely turned for him – from producing India’s best, to be given a rest* (E.g. of * -. Teachers picking out “volunteers” in school to do stuff). Sehwag was last seen laughing all out for this 1 hour thinking about how many series he has been persisted with despite his “spectacular” form.
Our IT Services companies – Revenue-wise, there is no addition for the year since they lose this 1 hour in March when daylight savings time comes back in. However, they utilized this time to recruit 20 more people each and train them on the basics of computing. The overall training period has gradually shortened from 3 months to 2.5 weeks now.
The educated gentlemen and ladies – Most of our grads and multi-national employees are using this 1 additional hour to figure out how to make more money, progress in career, marry their darlings, take care of their babies or buy that splendid new apartment. The rest (like yours truly) are doing the same things at a place away from India (or trying to get 1 more hour of sleep).
The common man – He gets to see one more hour of all the above drama unfolding in front of him on the various news channels as more “sensational breaking news” fills up this hour. He cringes about how bad the politicians but knows though that the opponents are no less crap. He is hoping that some of the educated classes will save India someday. He does not know that this educated class is more foolish than him to depend on some politician saving them.

Any more such activities people can do in that 1 hour, please do post in the comments section…

The real meaning behind MBA resumes

2007-10-07T20:51:00.001+05:30

One of the most important things that B-school students learn during their 2 years in college is the art of preparing resumes. They understand that their resume is their biggest self-marketing tool and spruce it up with tons of high-flown adjectives, adverbs and what not to ensure that they come out tops in getting at least a shortlist for an interview. Let us demystify some of the jargons that they use to spruce up their resume after a couple of years of life in IT.

Resume usage: “Core member of a large development project”
Real meaning: Was mostly involved in buying snacks for the team members. Helped out in some minimal documentation when someone was sick in the project…

Resume usage: “Led the business development team to win a large multi-year multi-million dollar proposal … “
Real meaning: Copy pasted over 75% of the proposal from a previous one. When everything else failed, we reduced our rates to such a ridiculous amount that we had to get the deal.

Resume usage: “Helped strategize on the business plan of the practice to focus on new and upcoming areas”
Real meaning: Put up a presentation for the senior management during one of the strategy sessions. PPT shelved into cold storage the next day.

Resume usage: “Underwent an exhaustive training program on strategic leadership”
Real meaning: Went to GRT Grand Days and had an extremely fulfilling buffet lunch. Had a good sleep away from project pains during the training sessions…

Resume usage: “Championed organization activities including recruitment efforts, pre-placement talks etc.”
Real meaning: Was one of the over two hundred panellists in one of our usual mega-recruitment drives when the number of panellists is generally more than the number of candidates.

Ram Gopal Varma ki $&%@#

2007-09-04T21:40:00.002+05:30

If you have seen the latest block”bust”er of a movie that is titled Ram Gopal Varma ki “$%@#$”… then you can try your luck at answering the following multiple choice questions. There is typically only one answer to every question…

(1) What is the name of the latest movie from the Ram Gopal Varma movie (not so) stable?

Ram Gopal Varma ki “Theater se Bhaag”
Ram Gopal Varma ki “Career mein Daag”
Ram Gopal Varma ki “Bahut bura cog”…
Ram Gopal Varma ki “Go for a jog”
Ram Gopal Varma ki “Hit yourself with a log”

(2) What is missing between Nisha Kothari and Ajay Devgan?

Physics
Biology
Mathematics
Chemistry
Social Sciences

(3) What amongst the following took the honors for “worst part of the film”?*

Casting
Camera
Music (for the songs)
Dialogues
Direction

(P.S: The above is a very difficult question to answer. Hence you may tick more than one)

(4) What activity did Amitabh Bachan engage in throughout the movie?

Bumming
Humming
Hamming
Farming
Harming

(P.S: Clue - The fourth mentioned activity may sound right usually but is not the correct answer w.r.t this movie)

(5) Nisha Kothari DOES NOT know which of the following activities

Act
Sign a pact
Attract
Shout
Pout

(6) You will prescribe watching this movie to

Your in-laws
Your boyfriend / girlfriend who just broke up with you for someone else
Your boss (with family)
Your seniors in college who rag you
Person on his death bed who is wishing for death faster

(7) Sound effects in the movie can cause which of the following sensations

Ear drum being torn apart
The sound of a supersonic jet going around inside the head
Feeling of liquid / solid / semi-solid traveling upwards via the food pipe
(At least) 7 hands holding the neck firmly
Shivering and vibration of the whole body

(8) Why did Ram Gopal Varma remake the movie in the first place?

He wanted to get back at Sippy for not selling him the rights
He had signed a contract with Nisha Kothari to utilize her “services” in at least three films
He wanted to “cash” in on Ajay Devgan’s last few successes
He wanted to show Urmila in an item number one last time before she started accepting sister character roles
He did not have any other way to show he had “fire” in his belly

(9) You would term the movie as

A Great Hit
Deep Shit
Absolutely Unfit
Go and spit
Beyond one’s wit

(10) If Ram Gopal Varma makes one more remake of any film, it could probably be which of these masterpieces?

Neal aur Nikki
Roop Ki Rani, Choron Ka Raja
James
Marigold
Ram Gopal Varma ki “Aag”

If you need further clues on answering any of the questions, also read Rajeev Masand’s article on CNN IBN here.

Bollywood's benevolent babes...

2007-09-01T21:30:00.001+05:30

The other day, I was watching this movie called “Shaadi No. 1” on one of the very few Hindi channels I have access to. In the middle, there was an advertisement for the new movie (which I have heard is extremely crappy and over the top) called “Heyy Babyy” or something to that effect. One thing that is very common to these two movies is the number of second-grade actresses in both. Having a lot of them in each movie not just increases the average crowd pulling factor of the movie, it makes the job of film-making much easier for a lot of technicians. I am sure one can easily hazard a guess on their names. Let us see how these "babes" contribute immensely to the entire movie making fraternity ...

They are all very good actresses – with one single expression, they are able to convey laughter, sorrow, surprise, anguish etc. – there is of course no other expression that they know to handle, hence the director is spared off a lot of effort.
They give a lot of opportunity to the camera to cover them from different angles – their exposure levels differ from 50% to upwards of 90% from varying sides and positions.
They save a lot of work for the costume designers – studies show more than 80% lesser apparel consumption since there is no cloth choli ke peeche, neeche or oopar…
The hairstylist has a rest day since all of them dance with their hair loose – he / she of course does some minimal work the previous day by spraying all remaining Holi colors on their hair
The dance master loses no sweat in teaching them exactly one move – shake from head to middle to bottom, one part at a time, with the hair flying all around and hands either on the hair, or on the guy(s) dancing with them…

So, be glad that if you are getting into the list of these Bollywood hotties and naughties, you sure are making the life of a lot of people easier...

P.S: The research material gathered for this article was under the strict supervision of my madam…

8 random facts about me - meme

2007-08-15T04:12:00.001+05:30

OK. The title does not have 3 "me"s. The last word is a meme. And I learnt what a meme is from the internal blogs inside my company. And courtesy Archana, I have been tagged to continue this meme. I wrote this a long time back Archana, but never got the opportunity to post it. I created a blog today to post such blogs, and so am inaugurating this blog with this post.So folks who care to come thus far at all, here are 8 less known facts about me. Some of my friends though know quite a bit of these...

I am just a mad supporter of the Indian team – so mad that I never watch India bat cause I fear that every ball that I watch, there may be a wicket that falls!
There are a lot of temples that are built for film stars in Tamil Nadu – if and when I get so much money, I shall certainly build a temple for Koundamani, one of my inspirations in life to keep cracking jokes (including a lot of stupid ones).
I am one of those rare people who feel that Everybody Loves Raymond has certain episodes that have more laughing quotient than any episode of Friends. I have seen all episodes of both probably like a million times.
If Kamalhassan, SPB, Ilayaraja and A R Rahman ask me to do something, anything, I shall do it. The one other person for whom the same motto I follow (voluntarily or involuntarily) is my better half :-)
I cannot differentiate between one English song and another. I have probably listened to only some 20 – 25 English songs overall in my life!
When people around me talk in Hindi, I act as if I understand. Most of the words fly over my head. Simplistic conversations that have a good spattering of English are the things I can grasp well!
I love to eat food… and leave a trace of it whenever I do so… that is, on myself. I have probably not had a single instance of eating food or drinking something without spilling a bit of it on myself.
I was a very good sportsman when I was much younger... If ever there had been a state level or national level championship for marbles, I would have been up there. But my prospects diminished after they converted all the area around my house as well as around my friends houses, to cement flooring, from plain grassy and muddy garden areas. I got so dejected cause of this when I was in the 5th standard in school...

Archana: I am sorry I am not currently tagging anyone. I am just starting to read a lot more blogs actively and when some day this blog is also read by more people, I shall tag 8 of them for sure :-) Also I took this as a cue and merged all my blogs, hence had to remove the comment!

Idly Vada Sambhar - The Software Bench...

2007-08-01T04:22:00.002+05:30

I am sitting on bench…
Any object in the vicinity I just want to wrench!
I feel am just not doing anything useful…
Just want to write my last email in this company and do the needful…

The scene is the hot canteen of one of the many software companies in the Old Mahabalipuram Road in Chennai. Our friendly neighbourhood characters Idly, Vada and Sambhar are idling around late one typically hot morning. Idly and sambhar are engaged in their usual debate on software companies when Sambhar interrupts…

S: Stop shouting you two now. Look there – it is the first tired lot coming into lunch at sharp 12:00 noon. They must really be tired…

V: You moron… Or rather moroni… Or whatever it is for a female moron… These are not the tired souls. They are the ones on bench madam. I tell you these guys on bench have a whale of a time. I mean they have as much time as anyone else in the world… To do nothing!!!

I: Don’t say that. I am sure they do something useful with their time.

V: Yes they do… If browsing the internet and reading through all the fun blogs really sounds useful for you!

S: Actually that is true too! I had such a good time myself when I was on bench. I would catch a shuttle and come to office only around the first coffee break. I would be the first for lunch! I would catch an evening shuttle back.

V: See I tell you…

I: What are you saying? They do a lot of meaningful things too. At least quite a few of them… Like helping out guys on project with work that those guys have to finish… Or acting as back-up for some work where we are deliberately billing the client lower… Or one of those types of work…

S: Yeah I was helping out a few guys on projects when they were too busy with all the gone-wrong deliverables!

V: Yeah yeah that is all fine but what percentage of the folks are actually onto such stuff versus the amount of people who are just hoarded by all these delivery guys just in the hope that they will get some project some day. Thousands! Just thousands hidden across the system… But then they also probably realize that you cannot utilize them in any project cause they are hardly useful except for a select few…

I: But look at the important point there - as you yourself are saying - bench is important for any S/W company. Given the nature of the increasing project demands from existing clients and new clients, how else do you think they staff these projects?

V: If you want to staff your projects with crap, then I would go in for the bench.

I: What do you mean? The bench has a lot of good people as well I am sure.

V: Ho Ho Ho… Good joke. Listen – if there are 30% resources in every company on bench offshore, we are talking big numbers man - Tens of thousands of people given the current numbers of these companies. A lot of these bench folks are the thousands who have just finished training. Given the short supply of real quality folks, none of the project managers will remain quiet if their best folks are on bench. No way! They will only release the not at all performing folks first. Then they release the so-so folks. Then if the project is really coming to an end or they do not have any visibility for new projects from the same client, they release the best resources with great reluctance!

S: Don’t say that. I was on bench for more than 4 months before they put me on some testing project. I am not a bad resource. This is so mean of you vada.

I: As usual, you want to give a really bad picture right? What about the innovation that happens? What about other important improvements that these resources on bench do…

V: Now what is the last greatest innovation or improvement that any of these software companies have done? Have they really changed the rules in the game in maintenance or testing or development or anything related to it? Nothing right? What on earth are you talking about innovation?

S: I used to do a lot of innovation, like finding out new techniques to act busy. To impress my manager, I would now and then stay late, and of course keep watching some movie or hearing some song on my i-pod! Acting busy is a skill you have to develop…

V: The fact of the matter is that the bench is a storehouse of resources not wanted currently by anyone!

S: So am I doomed as a not-wanted resource if I am on bench?

I: That is not true. There are situations when the company does not have as many projects as it would like to have. I am sure every company goes through these phases every year.

V: Maybe true! You see they have spent so much on you, they might as well hold on to you and not bill you than let you leave! Hence this glorified notion of “We maintain a strong bench to staff upcoming projects” whereas the true sense they must be thinking is “We do not have current projects where we can staff you” or “We think you are too dumb but we have recruited you, hence we may as well hold on to you”…

S: No I am not dumb. If this is a veiled attack against me vada, then I am just not going to talk to you from now on.

I: You are talking about the people who are really not self-motivated. If there are employees who are motivated enough, then they can take up a lot of work when they are supposedly on bench as well. They can attend a lot of trainings and use this time for innovation…

V: In which case the best guys never attend these trainings because they are never on bench…

I: There is a very easy solution to it. You can make sure that “bench” is not considered as doing nothing by making sure that everyone in the company has sometime on bench every year or every two years – which means they are not put on any billable role or client facing role for that time. It is extremely important that people use this time to create innovative products, develop new tools, learn new languages. Because bench has a different connotation now, people think it is just time for whiling away or staying idly. I think the software companies can make sure that this changes by enforcing bench period on everyone and creating an atmosphere where people have clear goals even on the time they are on bench. Then the whole focus on innovation and new tools as well as training will increase dramatically. Bench will no longer be seen as an idling away time.

V: Well well you are talking about things that are not going to happen…

I: Lets see I am sure a lot of people would be interested in making use of their time in a lot of useful ways…

S: OK now – you guys I don’t care about what you say, but for me, this is how I look at it…

I am sitting on bench…
Wondering whether to learn German or French…
Trainings, new languages, new tools – my hands are really full…
Thank God my company has provided me the time to do something meaningful…

The first nI(gh)T

2007-07-18T13:22:00.001+05:30

(Disclaimer: The following is the transcript of a what we think is a heated IT related debate between husband and wife during their first night. Rest is left to interpretation :-))

Wife enters the room with her usual bunch of fruits and a glass of milk… Husband is seated on a nice cosy(e) be(y)d…

Wife: Why do you look so amaze(d) on seeing me!?
Husband: I B(ea)M with new energy and excitement as you enter the room…
Wife: Huh. Let(s) pack (some) hard action and talk crap later… (thinking to herself what a Bore (she has) landed with)
Husband: YE YE! A Sport(s)y wife!!! So do you wish for a Sun or a daughter?
Wife: Its your wish dear… (implied “you moron”)
Husband: I want a Sun. Sun is always INTELligent… So I want you to have an Apple a day…
Wife: And why is that???!!!
Husband: An Apple a day keeps the daughter away…
Wife: Sigh Man… Tech industry has so many dumbos who don’t know proper English… This is my fate…

Lights are switched off… In the darkness, the last heard shouts were…
Husband: ……… YAHOO!!!!!!!……… Goo gal go…
Wife: ……… What are you yelling about…? How can you hope for a Sun when you are all micro (&) soft…

Idly Vada Sambhar - Start Music...

2007-07-17T04:16:00.002+05:30

In the not so distant present…
In fact right at this very moment.
Three characters who live not so far…
And go by the name of Idly, vada and sambhar!!!

The first in the list is Idly…
Not a single thought ever that is silly…
A mind so pure and white…
He can only think of what is right!

The next one has a hole right in the middle…
And is never OK in playing the second fiddle.
Not the one to spare a word…
If Vada says something it has to be heard!

None of their views can ever bind…
Sambhar’s completely fluid mind.
She loves to unleash her friendly tantrum…
Others however feel it is akin to hearing a loud drum!

The next set of many blog posts…
Involve a lot of conversations amongst our hosts.
Some nice, some silly, some thought provoking…
But more than anything, all of them comment invoking!!!

The Ten (+2) commandments to act important at the work-place

2007-07-03T10:44:00.002+05:30

I cannot use simple words from Greek and Latin for nuts. So my commandments will be in plain English…

You shall always enter the floor with animated business conversations over the phone…
…fighting with your spouse over the phone is easier than fighting with them in person…
You will monitor all documents on your computer screen closely…
… lest you miss out on reading any forwards in your mail-box…
You shall get your coffee to your desk…
… sitting in your chair and browsing the net with a coffee in hand is a true pleasure…
You will always have a busy look on your face…
… tracking India’s dismal performance in cricket, my stock performance in the BSE and completing all the household chores is no mean task…
You shall not answer calls in the first ring ever…
… that display name does not say “Aishwarya Rai” right?...
You will be seen in intense business discussions with your boss…
… it is better to fight out all salary issues right up-front…
You shall call for frequent meetings…
… it is so tough to act busy sitting in one place the whole of the day…
You shall always have a note-book in hand wherever you go…
… What good are meetings for anyway if you can’t doodle your way to glory…
You shall talk the loudest during conference calls…
… you need to talk at some point in time to justify your earnings for the day…
You shall always go home late despite whatever little work you may have…
… cause your spouse may not appreciate your listening to music, reading novels and playing tetris on the comp. at home…

Two bonus commandments...

You will call your team mates late in the night for business reasons…
… this is one quality of your boss that you can imitate…
You will program your outlook to forward official mails after you sleep off…
… the psyching feeling of their boss awake so late in the night for work is really chilling for the team…

Any more commandments may be added in the comments section...

Lord Brahma was a bad software engineer...

2007-06-24T17:48:00.002+05:30

Lord Brahma was probably the first system architect… Much before anyone of us could imagine. He has designed this wonderful system called the “HUMAN BEING”. But well, he seems to have gone all wrong in the implementation of the same (of course there are a few exceptions to the rule)… Whether the timelines were restricted or he did not get enough support from his team-mates (Vishnu, Shiva etc.) is still a question mark… But Brahma’s appraisal rating has to be on the lowest 25% of the band because of the highly flawed system he has constructed… The following were some of the flaws identified in the system…

System has no input check – Accepts any crap as input
Whatever input it takes, the output is crap
System gives unforeseen reactions when it interfaces with other dissimilar systems (namely the other sex)
Despite extensive testing for many situations, system breaks down at the most crucial of times
There is no documentation of the logic to explain why system acts the way it does in many situations
When there are exceptions the system cannot handle properly, it makes a loud screeching noise
System runs fine and at full productivity only when called by the wife program
Some other times the system runs fine but is of typically no use to anyone other than itself
Ongoing maintenance and support of the system is very expensive, specially when the system gets old
Despite little use, the system has been designed without any useful upgrades or patches to last a very long lifetime

The manager has invited everyone else to contribute any more flaws in the comments section…

The Indian Software love story

2007-06-21T11:42:00.002+05:30

When you think of it sometimes, life in software is more like a typical Indian cinema love story. You could draw parallels from different phases of a software engineer’s life to a typical college boy – college girl love story. The ending of the story is deliberately left to one’s own imagination.

Let us first look at the typical college love story step-by-step...

The usual love story

Nice smart innocent boy enters college and thinks of all Indians as his brothers and sisters. By the 2nd year, he gets mentally mature (as well) and starts to have a more open mind about other Indians. By the third year, he is open mouthed looking at every Indian (hopefully of the fairer sex) that goes by. In the final year, he writes a love letter with 90% crap and submits it to one of those many fellow Indians. One of the dumbest to fall for the trick accepts his proposition and the love story starts. The initial days are all rosy – they go to the park, the beach and restaurants and spend their time. But soon the reality of the situation dawns... Boy starts to realize that he has to listen to everything the girl says. He cannot see TV anymore and has to spend night-outs forcibly talking to her. The worst thing comes when she decides that its time to introduce him to her dad. The dad has a one-on-one with our dude and rates him as suitable / not-suitable / absolute trash.

Well… There is more than one possible climax in this scenario

Scenario (1) – Boy accepts that this is the life for him. He decides to marry the girl and settle down for a life-time of misery with some rare nice moments in between.

Scenario (2) – A villain character in the form of the girl’s mom’s brother lands in from the USA. There is a long fight between our dude and the mom’s brother. But eventually, our dude comes just after the nick of time to see the girl married away. He starts drinking, sports a beard and lives the rest of his life like a Devdas.

Scenario (3) – Boy does the wise thing of not fighting with the mom’s brother who has landed and instead opts for going to the USA to forget the girl… He thinks he can opt for live-ins instead as he wishes - only problem is that no girl there cares a damn for our desi dude!

Disclaimer: The whole story is equally applicable to girls too. I am sure there are equal number of girls who propose to the guys(!) And hence the whole story can be reversed for the other sex :-)

Let us now look at how this story compares so nicely with the lives of those countless dudes who are sucked into the S/W bandwagon…

The love story modified for the S/W scenario

Nice smart innocent boy enters college and thinks of all the good companies that would come for campus placements for his branch of engineering. By the 2nd year, he stops reading his books and decides that the software industry is the place to go with a lot of money and nothing to study during college. By the third year, he is open mouthed looking at every Indian software company that goes by in campus for placements. In the final year, he writes a resume with 90% crap and submits it to many companies. One of the dumbest to fall for the trick accepts his resume and the dreaded association with software starts. The initial days are all rosy – he is taken to joining parties, sees a lot of nice people in his batch and has fun in the weekends at the beach with other co-joinees. But soon the reality of the situation dawns... Boy starts to realize that he has to listen to everything that the company says. He cannot see TV anymore and has to spend night-outs forcibly setting right the code. The worst thing comes when he goes face to face with his manager. The manager has a one-on-one appraisal meeting with our dude and rates him as suitable for work / not-suitable for any important work/ absolute trash.

Well there is more than one possible climax in this scenario...

Scenario (1) – Boy accepts that this is the life for him. He decides to carry on in the same company and carries on useless without any contribution till the age of 58 when he decides its time to retire. Now and then he sees some rare moments of niceties. (like those once in a blue moon pay hikes)

Scenario (2) – A villain character in the form of a new grudging boss lands in from the USA. There is a long fight between our dude and the new manager. Obviously, and eventually, the boy backs down and is kicked out of the project. He is put on bench and serves the rest of his life in the most insane of projects.

Scenario (3) – Boy does the wise thing of not fighting with the current boss or the new boss and opts to go onsite to enjoy life! Only problem is that he is alone in his town and no one onsite cares a damn on what he does or where he is…

So what is the end of this story? There is no end actually. We continue to churn millions of software engineers who live these lives in the utopian wish that something someday will change and they will do something better! Maybe become a Sivaji and come back to India and start a lot of colleges!!! They probably need to work for a million years to earn 200 crores in our software industry :-)

If we were taken over by...

2007-05-28T14:21:00.002+05:30

I was just wondering what are the 3 stand-out things that would happen if one of the following “imaginary” companies took over our existing companies…Any resemblances to the top 5 in the not-so "imaginary" Indian IT industry are purely coincidental! As usual, completely on the lighter side of course…

If we were part of IB^^

The chair you sit on, the bottle of cola you drink while working, the phone that you use and the under-garments that you wear are all made by us – totally integrated solution offering
We follow a 6.5 in a box model and have a business development manager, a sales person, a client partner, an engagement management, a senior business consultant, a junior specialist and an intern as go to people for any problem a client may have
We plan to bring down the servers of this client and charge them double for the maintenance since they didn’t give us the software services for a different project

If we were part of A66enture

We have just signed up Rajinikanth and Amitabh Bachhan as brand ambassadors for our company – the former would be used in APAC and parts of Silicon Valley; the latter would be used in RoW.
We would go in for a joint marketing exercise with Viagra – since they are also High performance, delivered…
We have to shed two thirds of our resources since the offshore companies have ruined our direct variation model of placing 3 consultants for 3 days where 1 could do the job in 1 day.

If we were part of TC$

We just hired our 1 millionth non-Indian local employee – actually she is a part time hire; her main job is as an immigration officer at the visa office at Bosnia.
Though we actually had a good year, we could not give much bonuses - we had to divert our money to pay employees from steel, chemicals, salt, tea, refrigerators and other divisions which were all running at losses.
I can’t type more than this because 6 of us here are sharing a room at onsite, and my chance with the 486 is over for the day.

If we were part of In£osys

We build the largest football stadium at Coimbatore and have the FIFA president plant a sapling in the middle of the ground during his Indian visit
Our CEO stands for President of India, Our CIO may become the Minister for Education and our HR person would most likely get the Defence Ministry
I become the CEO of the company next quarter – My turn came after the successive succession planning…

If we were part of Wi9ro

I got good ESOPs this time - 2 shares to be exact, given the management is letting go off very few stocks outside of what they hold
Our total income stood at $5 billion for the year – 25% from sale of marine products; 30% from coconut oil; 22% from mineral gas; 26% from voice BPO and the rest from software services
We crossed Oracle in the number of acquisitions for the year and are still grasping with how many employees we have now

Disclaimer:This is purely meant to be for humour and nothing else! Anyway, I have hidden the actual names very well, so I am sure it would take a lot of time to unearth those :-)

Work Life Balance in the IT World

2007-05-21T14:54:00.002+05:30

The topic of achieving a work-life balance is so close to each one’s heart and I am sure everyone would have an opinion on whether current work circumstances allow us to achieve the same in the IT World. I have captured some of the possible theories of the as-is and the desired to-be work life balance situations...

Work-Life balance in the ideal world
Theory 1: The Work – Life Balance

06:00: Wake Up, Brush, Take Bath, Shave etc.
06:30: Update yourself on GK and current affairs with “The Hindu”
06:45: Idly / Dosa / Vada + Sambhar / Chutney cooked by mom
07:00: Travel at 80 kmph to office on your super-bike or fashionable car
07:30: Settle down in place with a cup of “Coffee Day” coffee
07:45: Finish off all previous day mails
09:30: Greet people coming in with a huge grin indicating that you have finished off most of the work in a quiet environment while they are just coming in!
12:30: Hog to glory in the canteen / Dhaba next to office
13:15: Chat about non-work related topics with colleagues
13:30: Back to work
16:30: Travel back at 60 kmph (till Madhya Kailash) & 30 kmph (till home)
17:15: Go to gym to show off those biceps
18:00: The second bath of the day to freshen up
18:30: Time to spend with family, friends, kids, grandpas, grandmas, etc. + Watch Tamil Serials + Eat Light food + Browse the net / computer games / read the latest Harry Potter => Basically have a good time
23:00: Sleep like a good kid after your prayers for the night
Weekends: Go for a short trip / Play games / Go to the movies / shopping / restaurants etc.

The real world offshore – Faced by thousands
Theory 2: The Work – Wife Balance

07:45: Wake up; Brush & take bath if possible and if in mood to do so; Make sure your wife does not find out that you didn’t do either
08:15: Run, run, run till you are just able to shout to the driver to stop the bus
09:15: Stand at the end of the breakfast queue at canteen in a sweaty shirt
09:45: Stare at your angry boss as you enter your place
10:30: Get reminded by wife about dinner outside at night
13:00: Go for lunch at canteen if you have the time, else settle for a bite at the pantry
13:30: Back to more mails and stares from boss and module leaders
14:30: Get reminded by wife about kid indulging in some pranks in school and hence the need to attend the PTA meet this time
17:30: Team meeting where boss says that nothing in the project is going right
18:15: Call with onsite to check out what is the problem (they are the more informed of the people around)
19:25: Run for the bus only to realize that the clock at the security gate seems to be showing a different time today, so you just missed your bus
19:28: Crib to wife about how the bus guy was really mean to you; Hear a bang of the phone on the other end
19:30: Go back to your place since your next bus is only at 20:15
19:35: Pick up the phone to get more requests from onsite
21:00: Finally take the bus back home
21:50: Reach home after a combination of bus + walk + auto
21:55: Listen from your wife on how you had ditched her for dinner
22:30: Settle in to have a cold dinner at home
23:00: Watch TV
23:02: Sleep off with TV and lights on
Weekends: Same as weekdays; If the project has good times, then you can hope to sleep a lot of the time if you don’t have to go shopping with your wife.

(Disclaimer: This is applicable to husbands as well for the ladies, just used “wife” for rhyming purposes, so the ladies please excuse)

The real world onsite
Theory 3: The Fork – Knife Balance

07:15: Wake up after the tenth alarm
07:20: Brush, take bath, shave etc. in the biting cold cursing all the while that you don’t have an option to not do these at onsite
07:50: Make your own badly done breakfast with just two options – bread or cornflakes; Practice eating it with a fork and a knife
08:00: Catch a tram + a train + a bus to finally arrive at the workplace
08:30: Stare at the same three faces in office
10:30: Pester the client(s) for a meeting or a project
13:00: Lunch with the client where you have to eat even a chapathi with a fork and knife
14:00: Run around for the nth registration form and the mth office in which you have to reinforce that you are not a native of the particular country
15:00: Settle back in office to maybe talk to offshore
18:00: Finish up all calls, mails and chats with India
18:45: Buy vegetables and other groceries on the way back home.
19:30: Reach home after a combination of the three modes of transport.
19:45: Start the long cooking phenomena
20:45: After multiple design, construction and testing cycles, settle for a rice that is half-cooked, a sambhar that has a vague taste of the sambhar powder and a vegetable that may be a bit too deep fried
21:30: Finish off the food by watching the only English channel on TV, CNN
21:45: Settle down to see what you need to get / buy / finish for the next day both on personal and work fronts
22:45: Iron out a pant and a shirt for the next day; After multiple attempts when ironing one side spoils the other, realize that you can’t do any better and stop for the night
23:30: Crash on your bed
Weekends
Saturday: Sleep till evening and catch up with everyone online after that;
Sunday: Do the laundry including washing, drying and ironing

I am sure a lot of different people would have even more thoughts on the same. Do post your thoughts in the comments section...

Are you a true onsite return?

2007-05-06T23:53:00.002+05:30

I wanted to capture some of the most popular mannerisms / characteristics of people returning for a short while from onsite before going back. Clinical research data shows that you cannot consider yourself a true onsite returning dude if you don’t possess at least 70% of the following mannerisms…

The guys dress up in ½ or ¾ pants, typically with loose hanging cloth material till the knee levels – the probably didn’t realize that there are a lot of animals on the road in India who take a liking to such attire. Women seem to prefer a combination of an open jacket over a plain top along with a vague skirt / pant. Kids are always dressed crampily despite the heat and taken around stuffed on their baby-trolleys.
They feel that the weather is very bad in India and the place is just too polluted.
They start using words such as “wazzup”, “high fives”, etc. use words such as “dude” (pronounced dood), “cool”, “hip” etc. a lot more often and pronounce fast, past etc. with a ‘ae’ sound…
They can’t take their eyes off the NBA shows on ESPN / American political debates on CNN.
They add 2 kg by the time they leave by hogging on home food as if they have never eaten food before.
They go to Grand Sweets to buy one or more of the following - vetha kozhambu (a type of dish like sambhar) / puli kaachal (tamarind paste) / mysore pak (special south indian sweet) / murukku (I have already reached the saturation level on translations)
They go to the top malls in the city to buy a lot of top quality apparel cause they can get a $8 - $12 reduction in price (converted amount) as compared to what they will spend abroad.
They spend the saved dollars in buying original music CDs of Tamil / Hindi movies which they are not going to watch more than once ever – a couple of years back they were wise enough to download mp3s of these songs.
They bring a lot of chocolates – specifically Snickers, Kisses, Mars bars (only for the managers and dear friends) and Toblerone (reserved for family) to office.
They say that they will never leave the country and will be coming back in probably a couple of years cause this is where “they belong” - they will only return cause their parents are either too old or their kids need to get the “right” schooling

As usual, just for fun… So chill out :-) The original research data of course is very confidential and the researchers have refused to share the sources etc. Researchers are open to any new data in the comments section…

SWOT Analysis of Chennai

2007-05-04T00:11:00.002+05:30

Any report as part of B school (or even outside of it) starts generally with a `Strengths - Weaknesses - Opportunities - Threats` analysis of the system / situation. Chennai has turned out to be one of the biggest IT services hubs in the world, leave alone India. There are a lot of other interesting things in the city too! In the following post, I have attempted to do a SWOT Analysis of our good old Chennai city. Please do post in your comments on any of the items I may have missed out!

It is very easy to list the A-Z of the city in such a post but I stuck to A-F instead! (I mean, literally!) You will soon see and realize what I am talking about…

Strengths
(1) Amma, Appa, Akka, Anna – The conservative family culture still lingers on. Even when you are married, the “sambhar saadham + thayir saadham” that you have at your parents’ home on a Sunday afternoon is always delicious…
(2) Beach: Thenga, maanga, pattani, sundal on a cold evening in the beach is a must for any romantic dude out there…
(3) Carnatic Music: The December season where people wake up early despite the classic one-off climate to listen to the likes of Unnikrishnan, Jesudas, Bombay Jayashree etc.
(4) Dining: Hogging away to glory in one of the many new restaurants is a real must. Also see attached a compilation of some of the best dining places in the vicinity -
(5) Engineering: From ABCD to XYZ engineering college, you have all the options of pursuing everything from stitching clothes to breaking open an aeroplane! All of them may not be great but there are certainly some very good ones such as IIT, MIT, Anna University, SVCE etc.
(6) Foren Opportunities: It is probably one of the best connected places to foren lands including the USA and SE Asia. The number of Srirams and Subramaniams you find in a S/W company in the states is enormous!

Weaknesses
(1) Auto: The lesser said the better… Generally recognized as the primary villain of the city.
(2) Big brother attitude: The moral policing by the political bigwigs and some nonsensical people etc. make you feel as though whatever you are doing is watched by a big brother up there with a stick in hand.
(3) Climate: As everyone says, its Hot, Hotter and Hottest in Chennai with the occasional spells of rain that somehow always land up around Diwali time.
(4) Dhadi Pasanga: Goondas that roam around with the political bigwigs give you a feel of those evil creatures from Lord of the Rings!
(5) Entertainment Options: Or the lack of it – You have Satyam, Spencers and Mayajal to count an exact number of 3 options in the name of “entertainment”
(6) ‘Figure’ative Speech: With a deliberate spelling mistake… I can't and don't want to elaborate on this more :-) !!!

Opportunities
(1) Assembly Lines: Hyundai, Ford, Nokia shall soon be followed by the likes of BMW, Motorola and God knows who else.
(2) Bunch of S/W folks: Is a huge growing market for selling everything from trendy phones to toothpicks!
(3) Culture: The traditional and conservative culture that still exists makes 30-somethings in the US come back home to raise their kids.
(4) Divinity: As the gateway to the South, Chennai, and specially the surrounding districts have a reasonable number of very old temples to attract visitors!
(5) Education: Many people move in from up North as well as from the states since the basic schooling here is very good – some of the best computer education CBSE schools are based out of here! Chennai always seems to top in the Std. X and XII CBSE exams!
(6) Filmy Duniya: Some of the best artistes in acting, music, cinematography, dance and direction are based out of Chennai! If they can put their minds together, they may put up something worthy of the Oscars (some day!)

Threats
(1) Ayyo Amma: This obviously does not refer to any individual amma but you know who...
(2) Baashai: The love for the language has its negative connotations many a time in the form of arguments in Tamil with non-Tamils to increase BP levels of the listener.
(3) Cheri – The tamil word for slums: They are anywhere and everywhere and government turning a blind eye to them means they get a free hand to disrupt traffic and play jarring music aloud!
(4) Dressing Sense: The hopeless jeans-chappals combinations of the average male and the highly arbitrary colored chudidhaars of our females may give competition to many! But Chennai does have a great saree collection!
(5) Expenditure: Spending on infrastructure is so poor (except for the long overdue IT Highway) that the whole city has taken a big hit and every nook and corner has started witnessing a traffic jam.
(6) Filth: Despite Onyx and the likes, the levels of “kuppai” at various parts in the city is increasing alarmingly. If something is not done about the same, it will become a breeding ground for not just chicken guniya mosquitoes but many more such varieties.

Would be interesting to see similar SWOT analysis for other cities as well...

Life from the other side...

2007-05-03T02:47:00.003+05:30

In our software services industry be it whatever company we are working in, we are so busy with our day-to-day activities and engrossed with our work, I wondered if we ever bothered to think about life from the point of view of the people whom we encounter daily – the bus drivers, the pantry operators, the house-keeping staff, the security folks, the dhaba servers and even our own co-employees! The following post is an attempt (in jest) to highlight some of the grievances that these people may have (more often than not against us!). In the process, there would be a tendency to obviously go over-board! So bear with that please!!

First let us talk about life from our side…

A Leaf out of a typical S/W professional’s diary…
Yo Man! What a hectic day it has been! I almost missed the damn bus – the driver was as usual early by a couple of minutes! He was as slow as a tortoise to the office – thanks to him I reached office just in time for a detailed meeting with my grumpy boss and my team. Oh God - what all the man wants in a single day. Impossible to deliver! After the meeting, I went to my seat and found that there were tons of extremely critical mails to look at. By the time I had responded to those and started working on the day’s tasks, it was around 11:00 am. Then it was lunch time and treat time too since it was my boss’ birthday. Stingy guy – he only took us to the nearly dhaba but food was anyways good! They had everything that crawls, flies, swims or walks on this earth! That was the best part of the day. I then came back and had a strong coffee to stimulate the creative elements in myself! I worked again till around 5:00 pm when we had an important conference call with onsite. Long call it was with lots of discussions. Finally the call ended and we had to finish off the pending work. I was just in time for the 7:30 bus. I am now back home and writing this diary…

Now let us look at life from the other side…

Snapshots from diaries of the other people*
*1 – If they had maintained diaries at all
*2 – In many cases may be translated to English for the sake of the reader

Bus Driver: What a painful day! To add to my traffic woes, the company security has put some new rule that all buses should reach office by 8:30 am. And people take their own sweet team in each stop - “Wait for 2 more mins please”- Oh my God, how many people give me this dialogue everyday. And today to top it all - one idiot who can’t ever get into bus on time, stopped the bus right at the signal. If I had not stopped, this guy will create a big ruckus with the transport department. Painful…

Housekeeping Staff: What gluttons we have in this company! In the morning, this team in my wing met up for a long time. Everyone had a coffee in one hand and a packet of Lays or something in the other. And they act like kids with their food and drink. Chips were strewn all around on the table and coffee cups were lying all around the trash can. Conference rooms have become munching havens nowadays! Next day they do this in a team meeting, I am going to kick them all.

Trainee sitting next seat: Man, I thought only I keep getting forwards from my batch-mates but these experienced guys also get so much forwards. This guy sitting next to my seat spent probably one hour in the morning just going through all his forwards. The fool even takes time out to forward those chain mails asking you to forward the mail to 50 people so that they can see God that night!

Server at the nearby dhaba: It’s a big enough pain to manage the shouting lady and her loud son. On top of that, we have extremely loud customers whose decibel levels keep increasing for every 1 second the poor chicken waits before it gets into their mouth! Since they come as groups, they all want to take a crack at the chicken and start pouncing on the plate even before I keep it on the table. Hungry (real) pigs would behave better!

Pantry Guy: How much thought these people put into one small cup of coffee! Like the guy today afternoon who asked for a super-strong coffee with less sugar. Even after two or three attempts, the coffee didn’t seem strong enough for him. Why can’t he have black coffee directly instead of paining me?

Employees from surrounding seats: What all these people discuss in conference calls – that too putting the loud-speaker at full volume. 90% of the time goes in talking about the weather in Pittsburgh, the cricket match in Malaysia, the waistline increase of the person who just returned from onsite, the latest Rajinikanth movie etc. Oh I wish I could be part of these productive calls!

Security at the gate: They have the time to see so many cricket and bollywood sites, don’t they have the time to see our own intranet to look at the buses that go near their house? Asking me which bus out of 100 buses goes to Abithakuchalambal Nagar. As if I am some manual Google for them…

Any more leaflets from diaries you can think of, please do post them as comments!!!

The Indian cricket team in an IT company

2007-05-01T21:23:00.003+05:30

After the extremely dismal performance in the world cup, our cricket team is back and cooling its heels amidst stone and tomato throws at them and their houses. Let us look at a hypothetical situation where this Indian cricket team is recruited into any IT company… The following article looks at the different characters we have in the team and how well they fit into the different roles and people that any IT company services would have!

Sehwag: Kicked around resource - Was moved around in six different roles in one year to give an indication that he improve his work or quit; Has lost a lot of hair in moving around the different jobs but it has still not got into his head to go and find a different job.
Tendulkar: Technical Career Path (TCP) Member - Long-time member of “Tendulkar Cricketing Path (TCP)” which is very strong on paper but is very weak practically; High time something is done to also show results practically else at least the hype around the whole path can be reduced.
Dravid: MBA grad - He is the front face of the team and talks very well but actually does not have a clue what to do with the team; Is the wall of the team many times in client facing roles abroad and has helped the team conquer a lot of foreign lands
Laxman: Module leader – Too slow to run and do any work and typically watches from one end as associates come deliver their work from the other end and go; Stays on till the end but does not seem to do any useful work.
Ganguly: Company alumnus – Was a bad performer initially, got the message, quit and went off somewhere else before returning soon at a higher post and much better pay and recognition for a perceivably higher value though the quality of work was how it should be for anyone part of the team.
Kaif & Raina: Forced Attrition - Got two consecutive lowest appraisal ratings after miserable performances over lengthy times and have been kicked out of the company.
Dinesh Karthick: Fresh trainee - All enthusiastic after topping college and performing very well in all entry trainee tests and is also shining in his first project.
Zaheer Khan: Onsite return - Pretty useless initially at offshore and was hence packed off to onsite but has now returned and is working with fresh vigor after having faced solid bashing by client at onsite.
Irfan Pathan: Rejected trainee - Rejected after the training program on account of extremely pathetic performance even in the training grounds leave alone actual projects and hence sent back to college to re-learn his fundamentals.
Anil Kumble – The typical IT company technical associate – The old warhorse of the whole team and keeps fighting in all encounters year after year despite win or loss however old he gets; Signifies the true fighting spirit of the team always… But has now retired after being dumped all work as well as the blame when things didnt go well.
Harbhajan Singh – Offshore great but onsite hate – Has performed splendidly at home turf winning a lot for the team but then performs so poorly at client site that he’d rather never be shown in front of the client and better left at offshore.

Others

Greg Chapell: Project Manager – Talks a lot and promises a lot but when it comes to final delivery has a special knack of goofing up. Realized that he was going to be fired for the huge goof-up and so put in his papers immediately!
Krishnamachari Srikanth: Quality Group Member – Analyzes every bit to the utmost unnecessary level of detail and is very good at finding fault with everything…

Any more of our Indian players that you can think of in such situations, do post in the comments!!!